Hello, queer-ettes a'plenty!
Spoiler alert! If you're looking for White Party gossip, stop reading here. Gossip Gay failed to attend this year's debauchery de la blanca. Instead, we spent the Lord's Risen Day poolside at the Beverly Hilton, sipping daiquiris while devouring all-you-can-eat bacon plates from the high-end buffet. (Tragic, yes; but magically artery-cloggingly delicious!)
But fried pig fat aside, Gossip Gay has been out and about in search of the latest and greatest gossip—and here's some of this week's fabulous favs!
We don't like to toot our own horn (OK, maybe just a 'lil), but Gossip Gay is like definitely totally seriously—as one reader gushingly emailed us [at QueerSay@hotmail.com]—"the most hysterical rag mag gossip around!" So, it's no surprise to us that celebrities have now begun seeking us out.
Well, they're not so much seeking us out as coincidentally being in the same place as us as the exact same time, which gives us the opportunity to creepily stare them down and notate their each and every move to relay to y'all. Because yes, we see them at award shows and other pat-me-on-the-back-and-honor-me-with-little-gold-statues-because-I'm-just-so-damn-pretty events; however, it's always nice to see them in their own habitat doing normal and not-so-pretty people things.
These past two weeks were chockfull of Gossip Gay celeb sightings—and here are some of the best.
Celeb: Kris Allen
Location: North Hollywood Ralphs on Magnolia Boulevard
He’s America’s adorable little sweetheart (at least he was when he beat fabulous Adam Lambert for the title of American Idol in 2009), but he’s always been a little off our radar because he’s married and straight—or is he? Since his somewhat sudden and shocking divorce from his wife, rumors have been swirling that cutie Kris is a fellow ‘mo. And yes, there are even photos online that support the claim—the authenticity of which we cannot vouch for. But Google and oogle it, boys! Hot, hot, hot!
We espied with our queer little eye the adorable Allen sashaying out of Ralphs with a bag full of groceries and an equally adorable boy. The two giggled, chit-chatted and looked plenty gay—not necessarily gay in the queer sense of the word—but pretty damn happy. Now we’re not saying KA is gay, and we’re not saying he’s not—but here’s hoping! And here’s wondering what was in that grocery bag. Our guess? Sugar-free chocolate syrup and low-fat whipped cream!
Celeb: Teri Hatcher
Location: Burbank Starbucks on Pass Avenue
We’ve all heard the rumors—that Desperate Housewives’ Teri Hatcher is a cold and stand-offish biznatch, but we don’t believe it. No, wait—we totally believe it! Yes, we have firsthand knowledge that the antics on her jumped-the-shark show’s set somewhat resemble rabid monkeys in a bitch cave being stabbed with flaming sticks by the devil wearing Prada.
Nevertheless, we were intrigued when we saw TH at the ‘Bucks, and we watched her like a homo hawk. She ordered her drink, sauntered to the pick-up counter, darted her eyes around nervously, surveyed us poor people with pity-filled contempt and then picked up a bag of coffee and pretended to read the ingredients—all the while clutching her way, way, way too big for her bony little body purse and inner monologuing, “OMG! Like, everyone in here is a total fan of mine. I can totally tell. I hope no one asks me for an autograph. That’d be, like, so embarrassing. Oh my God! Coffee has, like, five calories?! That is so fucking lame! Marc Cherry only allows me, like, 47 calories a day. I guess I’ll just have to skip my thimble full of grass for dinner tonight. Ugh! Why didn’t they let me testify at Nicollette’s trial? It’s probably because I’m so much prettier than her. Yeah, I’m, like, totally prettier than her. Oh, it’s probably a good thing I wasn’t up there anyhow, because I totally had my entire epidermis botoxed last week, and I would have looked like a total skeleton pretending to emote, all the while having no one believe a single word coming out of my mouth. Just like every episode of my no-longer-a-hit show Desperate Housewives, airing at 9 p.m. on ABC.”
The barista didn’t call her name—just handed TH her drink—and she tore out of there terrified like Rick Santorum in a Midwest gay bathhouse. Later, we asked the aforementioned barista why she didn’t call Teri’s name. Her
response? “Teri who?”
Celeb: Seth Rogen
Location: Burbank Target on Victory
You know him as the cute (in a Silverlake bear, not a WeHo twink stripper sort of way) lead in Knocked Up and like 72 other crude fart joke-enthused comedies. But we know Rogen better as that guy at Target shopping for discounted ironic T-shirts.
Yes, we saw the Rogen scuttling about the men's section at Targ and flipping through the 30 percent-off sale rack. He's looking good—a little thinner, hair a little less Little Orphan Annie and surprisingly ironically chic dapper in the ensemble department.
However, the contents in his cart were another story—enough overprocessed and sugar-filled foods to make a bubble butt-ed boy toy bottom weep with visions of overflowing backfat. Gossip Gay attempted to take a picture for y'all with his handy iPhone, but Rogen noticed us notating the contents of his cart, cleared his throat loudly and gave us that "I will break you and every queer bone in your body if you do not sashay away at a quick clip."
Message received. Sashayed away we did.
Celeb: Lance Bass
Location: Prizzi's Restaurant in Burbank
What?! A gay gossip columnist spotted gay Lance Bass out and about doing gay things?! Never! Well, yes, folks—it's true. We saw the Bass out for some Italian eats and let us be the first to tell you, gurlfriend is looking sooooo goooooooood!
Like to the point where we were staring him down and thinking: "Did we play tonsil hockey with that boy at some vodka-hazy theater party in college? Yeah, we totally played tonsil hockey with that boy at some vodka-hazy theater party in college!" And then minutes later, we thought: "No, we totally listened to this guy harmonize to "Bye, Bye, Bye" while we played tonsil hockey with another blonde bottom boy at some vodka-hazy theater party in college!" And then we thought: "Damn, I wish I had played tonsil hockey with Lance Bass at some vodka-hazy theater party in college!"
Well, Gossip Gay did his best to seduce the Bass from across the room. We loudly laughed with our best Julia Roberts guffaw, flipped our hair playfully and even winked like a crackhead with a detached retina. No dice; the Bass didn't guffaw, flip or wink back. However, as we left, we gave the former 'Syncer a super hetero head nod and he responded with a half smile; and yes, as we sexyback sauntered to our Smart Car, we gave that over-the-shoulder come hither look and the Bass was still looking at us—almost longingly.
Mission accomplished! Take that, Timberlake!
Beware B-listers, Gossip Gay is watching!