“We have safe sex. We have a foolproof system. We don’t use birth control. Actually, I pull out. One of the best things about being in a monogamous relationship is that you don’t need to use a condom. To me, that’s the beauty of being in a relationship.” —Adam Levine tells Howard Stern his preferred method of birth control. Sounds risky to me.

By now you’ve all watched the Oscars—assuming you stayed awake through the proceedings. My Lord, just when you thought the show couldn’t get more boring, someone came up with the bright idea of not giving out an award anyone cared about until an hour into the show. These things never happened when Gil was alive.

It made me practically squeal with delight to see Angelina Jolie come out in that ridiculous dress. I knew we were in trouble when her coral lipstick seemed to have been applied by Stevie Wonder. But then, she straightened out her dress, stuck out her right leg and looked like she was auditioning for Barb Wire 2. On anyone else, it might not have been such a pathetic moment. But this is Angelina Jolie, arguably one of the most sought-after actresses in the world. Spousal-equivalent to one of the most beautiful men in the world. If I didn’t know better, I wouldn’t have thought it wasn’t Angelina but rather her close namesake, Angelyne. Yes, that’s how tragic it was.

Then there’s failed actress Sean Young. (She’s just a statuette away from being Sally Kirkland.) She was placed under citizen’s arrest after trying to crash the Governors Ball and allegedly assaulting a security guard! But that wasn’t even the highlight of her evening. Earlier, she accosted a number of celebrities and tried to take photos with them—as if she were some pathetic fan ... like me, for instance. Her “gets” for the night were Glenn Close (clenching, and I know that pose), Sandra Bullock (looking almost charitable) and a bewildered Nick Nolte (who possibly expired when the camera flashed). But it was the photo of Sean between Brad Pitt and Angelina that is really priceless. Apparently she saw the couple at the bar. She came storming over to say hi and reportedly turned to Angie, saying, “Darling, we have the same hairdresser—and girls like us need help with our hair.” While Jolie was trying to figure out if that was a compliment or an insult, Sean snapped the photo and dashed!

When people win a big game or award, they often like to say, “I’m going to Disneyland.” But not Octavia Spencer. When asked what she’ll do after her Oscar win, she said, “I’m going to get my boobs lifted!” There’s an answer you don’t hear everyday—and one which would have livened up the awards if she’d shared it from the stage. Spencer went on to say, “I figured, going into my 40s, I want my boobs where they were when I was 17.”

But we haven’t even hit my favorite story. It involves little Zac Efron at the premiere of The Lorax, a lovely family film. It’s a low-key event, taking place during the day in Hollywood, with lots of kids about. Zac is walking the red carpet, ready to talk to the press, and asks one of his minions (yes, he’s got minions) to hold something—you know, like his cell phone or car keys. No problem. He reaches into his pocket to hand off whatever, and in the process, what drops to the ground? A condom! Not just any condom, but a condom in a gold foil wrapper, which really picks up the mid-day sun so nicely. He discretely mouths, “Oh my God!” to the underling as he snatches the prophylactic packet from the ground with all the grace of a gazelle. He puts back on his sunglasses to partially cover his beet-red face and poses for the paparazzi. Oh, it’s a little bit of heaven. And thanks to the surreptitious video we obtained, you can watch it too on BillyMasters.com.

Wondering why there’s no rush to replace Regis Philbin? I’ve been made privy to a sinister plot being hatched deep in the bowels of ABC—they want the show to fail! Ratings have dropped with Kelly Ripa left to helm the show alongside a slew of guest co-hosts. If this freefall continues, the show could be yanked, and that would be music to the ears of certain network execs. Why would they want one of their own shows to fail? Simple—for the time slot. When Katie Couric was wooed away from CBS, she was promised her own talk show. Problem is, ABC doesn’t have any space for it. It’s been widely presumed that General Hospital, the network’s sole daytime drama, would be the victim. But someone came up with an alternative. If Live! is canceled, there’s an hour available. There are two scenarios being discussed: 1) Katie would air at 3 p.m. with GH relegated to 9 a.m., or even better, 2) Katie at 9 a.m., where she could woo her loyal Today Show fans. A win/win for everyone—except Kelly Ripa!

This next story may or may not be related—you be the judge. Rumors continue to swirl that Ryan Seacrest will be leaving E! News when his contract is up. While some people say it’s because of his heavy work schedule, others say he’s eyeing a move to the East Coast. And isn’t it funny that he’s on the top of Ripa’s personal list of possible co-hosts. Could he be her last hope? Stay tuned.

When Cuba Gooding Jr. was filming Jerry McGuire, he invited his father to visit the set. When he introduced dad to Tom Cruise, the elder Gooding said, “I love you man. Now, seriously, are you gay or not?” Tom laughed (nervously, I reckon) and said, “No.” Cuba Gooding Sr. was never seen again. OK, I made that last part up. But Junior did ban his dad from any future set visits. A smart move. Something like that could get you blacklisted in Hollywood.

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Daniel on AOL (yes, some people are still on AOL): “Have you seen the new Planet Fitness commercial with the big German-sounding muscle guy who keeps saying, ‘I pick things up and put them down’? He looks a lot like porn star Chris Wide, albeit after hitting steroids. Is it him?”

First, it’s not really a “recent” commercial—it’s been out for about a year. That said, it is indeed former Colt porn star Wide, credited under his real name Silvio Kersten. He’s left his porn life behind and is competing as a professional weightlifter. He’s won a number of competitions and has graced the covers of several bodybuilding magazines. I’ll run some photos from this new chapter of his life as well as his porn work on BillyMasters.com.

Sure, we’re giving you a nude with Chris Wide. But there’s nothing really special about that—no offense. So let’s move on to Gareth Thomas. The gorgeous rugby-playing Aussie—who will be played by Mickey Rourke in an upcoming film—was accidentally shown completely nude ... on LIVE TV! A reporter was doing one of those wrap-ups after the game in the locker room. (BTW, where do I apply for that job?). In the background, the guys are getting dressed and, obviously, know there’s a camera on them. That didn’t stop Gareth from standing there completely naked, showing us his back, his front, and even bending over. That’s my kinda guy. Check him out on BillyMasters.com.

When I’m sharing sports gossip, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. By the time you read this, I’ll be off to South Florida for the Winter Party in South Beach. Somehow I’m double-booked, so I’ll simultaneously be in Las Vegas for the opening of Share nightclub. How do I do it? Check out BillyMasters.com to find out. If you have any questions, feel free to drop a note to me at Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Zac and Adam shoot a Magnum commercial. So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s Bible.