“I’m totally for it. ... I think there was a time in my life, probably in college, that I wished every guy was gay because it meant more women for me! I don’t know what everyone’s problem with it is. I wish everyone was gay. That’s always the way I thought about it. I have no issue with it. If I have to suffer through marriage, why shouldn’t they?” —Donald Trump Jr. shares his opinions on gay marriage. By the way, he’s also pro-choice.

Obviously I have to start with the big trial that has changed us forever—Nicollette Sheridan’s suit against Marc Cherry and ABC for wrongful termination from Desperate Housewives. I don’t even know where to start. Most people probably would start with the difference between a slap and a tap, but not me. I’m starting with a section of Cherry’s testimony where he recounts breaking up a fight between Sheridan and Teri Hatcher. Nicollette allegedly called Hatcher “the meanest woman in the world.” It’s not the first time I’ve heard Teri described this way.

As to his own altercation with Sheridan, Cherry admits he “tapped her head” while trying to demonstrate how he wanted a scene acted. She claims, “He hit me and he hit me hard.” Ultimately the judge threw out the assault charge. Cherry also said he never considered Edie Britt a main character on Desperate Housewives. She was never in the opening credits and he thought of her as a “spoiler to complicate the other women’s lives.” Of course, she was always in the group promotional photos, and she’s on the DVD covers with the other four ladies. But if you say she’s a supporting character, she could be written off the show at any time. The jury wrestled to make sense of it all, while the judge tried to get both sides to agree to a settlement. ABC refused. Ultimately, it was a hung jury, with eight out of the 12 jurors siding with Sheridan. A mistrial was declared, and Nic promises to have the case retried. I don’t doubt her for a second.

While I was in Florida, I saw an ad in one of the gay papers for “genital perfecting cream.” What is that? It is apparently a skin-lightening cream that men use to bleach their nether regions. I believe the Kardashians are developing a similar product.
In a vaguely related story, remember when gay porn star Collin O’Neal was fired from his job as a substitute teacher in Florida? Of course, he wasn’t working as Collin—he was Shawn Loftis. Regardless, he’s back at work. The education commission reversed its findings and he was reinstated. According to a widespread story that originated on a local Florida station’s website, “Loftis argued he wanted to guide students away from making the same mistakes he made.” I was concerned that he referred to his foray in gay porn as a “mistake.” It didn’t sound like Shawn, who I was quite close to at one time. Because you know I’m a stickler for details, I researched the story and discovered that he never used the word “mistake.” Here is his quote: “This is my past, and I left it behind. I can use my experiences in life to teach kids.” What Shawn called his “experiences” someone else termed a “mistake.” Sadly, most people are not quite as tenacious as moi, and the quote with the word “mistake” was used on most websites, including many news outlets, and even Bill O’Reilly! So much for the No-Spin Zone!

John Travolta has once again been linked with yet another gentleman in the skin trade. On the cover of The National Enquirer (so take it from whence it comes): “Travolta Caught in Prostitution Scandal! ‘John paid me to have sex’—shocking tell-all.” Let me share what I remember from reading it in the checkout line. Travolta allegedly booked a “male masseur” that he found on Craigslist. Instead of giving the guy an address, he arranged to pick him up on the side of a road in his Lexus SUV. The gent says that Travolta brought him to the Beverly Hilton (you know, Merv’s old place) and offered him $200 for sex. The guy refused—which makes me think maybe he was a legit masseur. The best part of the whole story is that John allegedly tried to sweeten the pot by saying he could call another guy and make it a three-way!

Some truly tragic news rocked the entertainment industry. After 56 years, Dame Edna Everage, arguably the most famous woman in the world, will be retiring. Well, retiring is such an ugly word—right up there with the word ‘ugly,’ as a matter of fact. But she is bidding farewell to the live theater (while reserving the right to pop up occasionally on the telly). This announcement was made despite medical assurances that she is in tip-top shape. In fact, just last week her gynecologist gave her two thumbs up, which I suspect the Dame enjoyed heartily. Her final tour, “Eat Pray Laugh!” will debut in June on a lovely stage in the city of Canberra (that’s in Australia, for those of you who are somewhat geographically challenged) and will wind its way throughout Edna’s homeland before venturing abroad. Tentative plans call for the show to also play the U.K. and U.S., making mandatory stops in London’s West End and New York’s Broadway. Obviously paying homage to fellow-Aussie Dame Nellie Melba, this farewell tour will last two years—which leaves her two years short of her operatic predecessor but certainly leaves the door open for a second farewell—à la Cher! After all, they’re roughly the same age, give or take.

From Australia we go to London where our favorite Ab Fab girls turned up for Sport Relief, which is a sort of telethon where popular athletes and various other luminaries come together and raise money for charity. For the event, Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley put together a mini episode. In a nutshell, Patsy’s magazine offers to do a spread of models and Olympians wearing Stella McCartney’s clothes. Eddy actually set up the meeting in Patsy’s name so that she could then get free clothes. The plan is thwarted by Baby Bunton, who intends on keeping Eddy busy working out with various famous athletes and away from the meeting. It’s all rather fun, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

It must be the unseasonably warm weather that brought in a summer rerun question to our “Ask Billy” box. Patrick in Chicago asks, “My God, who is the hot Latino on Dancing with the Stars? He’s stunning! Tell me you’ve got some nude shots of him. Or even shirtless. Anything!”

Sometimes all I have to do is sit back and wait for you to catch up with me. When I told you about William Levy months ago after he did that music video with Jennifer Lopez, most of you couldn’t place him. So you probably didn’t bother going to BillyMasters.com to see the full-frontal nude photos of him—yes, penis and all. But something tells me you’ll be rushing over now to get a piece of him. And what a mighty fine piece it is.

When I’m praying for Levy to have a wardrobe malfunction, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. As you all know, I’ve met lots of celebrities and don’t have many names left on my wish list. But you know who would be at the top of it? Dame Edna. Oh, I’ve met her wily manager, Barry Humphries. He forced me to take some photos with him at Edna’s opening night on Broadway. I think he was just trying to keep me away from his famous client. I only have two years left to fulfill my goal. While I’m busy plotting, you can keep up with the latest gossip on BillyMasters.com. If you have a question or perhaps an idea that doesn’t involve kidnapping an Aussie gigastar, drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Nicollette offers to be the face of genital perfecting cream. (Hey, a gig’s a gig). So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s Bible.