“All I have to say is it’s true: I have a man crush on Adam. It blows me away people can pick up on that just by watching us on television. I want to kiss him. I want to kiss him so bad. I don’t care if it’s mutual or not.” —Blake Shelton admits his lustful desires for fellow Voice judge Adam Levine.

I really hate going to tapings of TV shows. That probably sounds surprising from someone who lives in Hollywood and loves television. But more than anything else, I hate sitting around—and there’s lots of that at a taping. Aside from award shows (which don’t count), I can only think of two tapings I’ve gone to in my 15 years in California. One was when Madonna was on Will & Grace, because—well, it was Madonna. And the other was an episode of Reba. I wish I could give you a good reason for going to that one, but I just loves me my Reba McEntyre. And, don’t forget, she is the sixth lady of country (behind Tammy Wynette, Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, Dolly Parton and I believe one of those Mandrell sisters). I vowed that Reba episode would be my swan song—once you interrupt a taping and end up on the blooper reel, you’re done.

And yet, there I was at Dancing with the Stars last week. With several friends on the show, I wanted to be supportive. Plus, I’m on the East Coast for the next few weeks. There’s a good chance that one (or all) of them will be voted off by then! Now, I’m not accusing anyone of cheating, but I must tell you that the audience is encouraged to cheer more for certain stars than others. For instance, before William Levy’s dance, we were instructed to be up on our feet and really get into his salsa (something I didn’t need prompting for). I don’t recall anyone asking us to get excited about Melissa Gilbert Brinkman Boxleitner.

I love watching how ‘celebrities’ treat fans. Some are great, some try to avoid them, but most fall in between. I am surprised—nay, shocked—to say that the most personable participant was Derek Hough. Everyone I’ve shared this information with is surprised—I guess people expect him to be a little aloof and cocky. (They might be thinking of Ryan Seacrest, who I hear has a little—well, never mind.) Derek was lovely to everyone who went up to him. Of course, my beloved Sherri Shepherd is just a girl who can’t say no and was everyone’s best friend by the end of the night.

As you all know, I have a wide assortment of friends. One of those is the enormously talented Dan Guerrero. Dan grew up in East L.A., the son of Lalo Guerrero, known as the Father of Chicano Music. With music and Latin culture in his blood, what did he do? Moved to NYC to sing and dance on the Broadway stage (to say nothing of off-Broadway, off-off-Broadway and summer stock). Eventually, he moved behind the scenes and was a very successful agent (his clients included Fran Drescher and Sarah Jessica Parker). But in time, he sought to reconcile his two worlds—his gay world and his Latin world, his friends and his family. He moved back to L.A. and became a leader in the Latino community. His remarkable story is told in the one-man show ¡Gaytino!, which is a hysterical and touching survey of his many adventures. Although this show has toured the country, he’s never done it in West Hollywood. That oversight is finally being corrected on three upcoming Thursday evenings. He’ll be performing on April 12, 19 and 26 at the lovely Macha Theatre—just a block away from his home (and two blocks from mine)! You can get tix at Plays411.com or LAStageTix.com. Or check out MachaTheatre.org.

Did you hear about the dramatic week little Gavin Creel had? After signing some autographs for fans, he realized he had given one of them his iPad. How? He explained on Twitter: “2 that sweet man who asked 4 my autograph: remember how I used my iPad as a hard surface under your program while I signed? U still have it and I would really like it back...please don’t make me sad.” I’m sure the giddy guy (yes, I’m making an assumption that a guy who wants Gavin Creel’s autograph is gay) was so elated after the meeting, he probably didn’t realize it either. The next day, Gavin Tweeted again: “Still wanna hear from the man I accidentally gave my freakin’ iPad to last night. Would be real nice if he would give it back.” Alan Cumming jumped in with a different tone: “I’m mad as hell. Let’s shame the guy who took Gavin Creel’s iPad as he was giving him an autograph to return it. Twitter Power, people!” Somehow this went from Gavin mistakenly handing a guy his iPad to an armed robbery! All is now right with the world, judging from Creel’s follow-up: “a) I love Alan Cumming b) I so appreciate everyone’s support during my iPad debacle c) I’m going to tweet another tweet in 39 seconds.... My iPad hath been returned!!!!!! 2 the sweet man who made my day asking 4 an autograph & made my year by returning my iPad after babysitting it 4 a couple days: thank you!!!” Awww. I’m a sucker for anyone who can use the word “hath” correctly in a sentence! Just for that, I would have returned the iPad—after cloning the disk, of course.

Jenna Talackova is a transgender woman who fought the Miss Canada Universe pageant for the right to compete. Good for her—she stood up for herself and succeeded. But I’m conflicted. If one fights for inclusion, it has to work both ways. In 2010, she participated in the Miss International Queen Competition in Thailand, a pageant specifically for transgendered and transsexual women. Does her victory against Miss Universe mean that genetically born females should be able to compete in transgender pageants? I would hate that. I think it’s great for any community to get to honor their own. Although no white actor has ever won an NAACP Award, four white performers have been nominated—and I think that’s kinda ridiculous. Why can’t people of color have their own award? Nice as she is, if Sandra Bullock won the NAACP Award over Gabourey Sidibe, all hell would have broken loose! Let me leave you with this—should Michael Phelps be allowed to compete in the Special Olympics even though he’s not ‘special’? (Well, he’s kinda special.)

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Darryl in Virginia: “I heard that Jason Biggs is nude in American Reunion. Is that true? Full-frontal?”

Jason told an interviewer, “We made sure that there’s a close-up shot—and then we go to a wide shot, so that my face is in it with the penis. You see a full shot so that it’s clear, or more obvious, that it’s my penis. ... I kept telling the directors, ‘I have one note. You have to hold on to that shot longer so that people will know that’s my penis. Otherwise, what’s the point of me doing this?’ The plain truth is, that’s my penis.” OK, Jason, we get it—it’s your penis. Apparently he’s proud of it. So he’ll be thrilled to know we’ll be featuring it on BillyMasters.com.

When Broadway stars are giving away iPads (with the prices of tickets these days, it’s the least they could do), I hath definitely come to the end of yet another column. And what fortuitous timing—I’ll be in NYC all week catching up with friends, foes and the latest shows. You can bet your bottom dollar that I’ll write all about it on BillyMasters.com, which is also accessible via iPad! I may not be giving anything away, but I’m happy to provide answers to your questions. Drop a note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I’ll write back once I get my hands on Gavin’s iPad (or Jason’s penis). So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s Bible.