“I was delighted to read about your interest in sharing the big screen with me. I am a little occupied at the moment, but perhaps someday. ... My only condition is that there be Muppets involved, and that is non-negotiable.” —Hillary Clinton responds to Jason Segel’s public pleas to play his mom on How I Met Your Mother. This is probably good news to Suzie Plakson, who has played the role since the show began in 2005.

I could be dead by the end of this column. Or the end of the month. Or decade. That’s the kind of medical prognosis I got after undergoing a battery of tests at my annual physical. One test came back slightly abnormal and my doctor gave me this news via e-mail: “This does not mean that you have cancer.” Once I regained consciousness, I read the follow-up: “Eighty percent of these test results come back with a false positive, so don’t worry too much about it.” I wonder if it’s now possible to procure a medical degree through those online colleges—like the University of Phoenix School of Medicine and Auto Repair! So I guess there’s a 20 percent chance that I could drop dead any minute—which is better odds than I usually have!

I recently attended the 28th Annual Southland Theatre Artists Goodwill Event, STAGE. The theme for this year’s concert was “Original Cast 3”—luminaries recreating numbers they performed on Broadway. Without a doubt, the show was easily stolen by Lillias White. Back in 1997, when she performed “The Oldest Profession” every night in The Life, she routinely stopped the show and got a standing ovation. This evening was no different. When she returned to open the second half as part of a Dreamgirls sequence, same thing. And what a treat to have the original Lorelle, Loretta Devine, tear into “Ain’t No Party.”

There were too many other exceptional performances to mention, but I’d be remiss if I didn’t say it was magical to have the 96-year-old Patricia Morison sing “Getting To Know You” (with nary a Siamese child in sight), Constance Towers returning to “Showboat,” Adrienne Barbeau’s heartfelt Rizzo and David Burnham’s glistening “Light in the Piazza.” Kudos to John McDaniel for providing far more than just accompaniment—his sense of balance and guidance carried the entire show to stupendous heights. Congrats to my buddy Leslie Jordan, who was honored at the event, which raised over $200,000 for Broadway Cares/Equity Fights AIDS.

The AIDS Assistance Program in Palm Springs held its 19th annual Evening Under the Stars gala. One of the local papers calls it “The jewel of the desert’s fundraising season.” This organization provides food to people living with HIV/AIDS throughout the Coachella Valley. Of course, I had several personal connections to the evening: my girls, The Go-Go’s, were headlining; the fabulous Lainie Kazan was hosting; and a special guest was Barbara Eden. And I’m always happy when I get to spend time with the shiny Ruta Lee. This is such a well-run event, I’m not at all surprised that it raised over $800,000. Back in 2003, I hosted a WeHo fundraising event called “Drag N You Out,” and one of the items donated to the celebrity auction was an autographed Go-Go’s bass drum cover (circa 1985), courtesy of drummer Gina Schock. The high bidder was celebrity attorney Ron Palmieri. Now, 10 years later, Palmieri donated it for the evening’s auction. It raised the most money of any item—over $25K. Congrats!

A few months ago, there were rumors that designer Marc Jacobs was dating Brazilian porn star Harry Louis. Well, the couple was recently spotted on an Ipanema beach and cavorting inside a Rio nightclub. While Marc hasn’t made any public declarations, Harry is constantly Tweeting things like “Watching the sunset with my gorgeous bf” and has taken down his Rentboy ad—which, as you know, is always a sign of true love. I’ll run some photos on my website. And how fortuitous that Harry has a new porn scene with sexy Shane Frost on UKNakedMen.com. I’ll run that, too.

Remember Nick Gruber, the former gay-for-pay porn star who hooked up with Calvin Klein in return for some alleged reconstructive surgery? His body of work is quite extensive, as you’ll see by the photos and videos on BillyMasters.com. Alas, his romance with the designer has been less than stable, and a couple weeks ago, Nick was arrested! Apparently he threw a late-night party in his West Village penthouse (an odd term for a building that only has 10 floors). One of the people at the party was a 20-year-old named Calvin Swint. The two were having a private talk on the balcony and then, unprovoked, Nick punched him in the face. Swint quickly left, which I suppose is what you do after the host punches you in the face. The doorman saw he was bleeding and called the police at 4:58 a.m. When they arrived, Gruber apparently tried to resist arrest by (and I’m quoting here) “flailing his arms in the air to avoid getting handcuffed.” I’m surprised he’s that resistant to handcuffs. One of the cops spotted him shoving something into his pants, so they conducted a strip search—again, something I’d think he’d welcome. The cops found a stash of cocaine—also two sets of car keys, a cell phone, an avocado and a life-size replica of the Venus de Milo. OK, I made up everything except for the cocaine.

The prosecutor reported that Nick “did grab [Swint’s] genitals and did seem jealous of him.” I’m gonna add in a seemingly irrelevant detail—Calvin Swint is black. I hate to stereotype, but maybe he has something to be jealous of! Since Nick’s arrest and release on $1,000 bail, Calvin (Swint, not Klein) announced he’s not pressing charges. Why? Because Nick is his good friend. “I’m absolutely not in a relationship with him. He’s like my brother, so if he was angry, I could understand why he could take it out on me.” I have no idea what that means, but maybe it’s because I don’t have a brother.

The next day, Gruber was on Calvin’s (Klein, not Swint) G4 jet, zipping off to The Meadows rehab in Arizona—the $35K bill being footed by his former/current paramour, Mr. Klein (who, incidentally, also paid two years rent in advance for that ‘penthouse’). According to a source, Nick was “talking really fast and sniffling” when he left NYC with his rolling suitcase. Well, it is allergy season. He was overheard saying there would probably be a lot of paparazzi waiting to get photos of him entering rehab. Because, you know, he’s a big star and all.

More than a few of you have asked about the connection between a few famous gay couples. You all know about Neil Patrick Harris and David Burtka’s twins, and I told you that David also had a set of twins with his previous partner. You also know about Matt Bomer and his significant other Simon Halls and their three kids. In fact, Simon and Matt posed together at the recent American Fertility Association’s Illuminations 2012. Some of you wondered if the two couples are connected, so I did some research—which I live to do. The results surprised even moi, and I’ll post what I’ve been able to piece together on my website.

Lastly, Mark Wahlberg is returning to his roots by flaunting his fantastic physique. First there were those photos of him in hip briefs with some little projectile poking straight out. Now we’ve got him prancing around wearing only an apron that says “Kiss the Cook.” Apparently this is for a scene in his new movie Pain and Gain, which is filming in Miami. Photos to follow on BillyMasters.com.

When Marky Mark is starting to show skin again, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. For more delightful dish, head on over to BillyMasters.com—the site that always delivers. And if I can assist any of you, just drop a lil’ ole note to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Marc Jacobs finds his next boyfriend via RentBoy. So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s Bible.