“You have to support so many households because you broke so many households, silly. You know, Melissa, that I did not give birth to these two children to give them away to your various staff members and girlfriends to raise.” —Tammy Lynn Michaels e-mails Melissa Etheridge how she feels about joint custody of the couple’s two children. Happily, the exes were able to work things out privately and out-of-court.

Take away 20 years and 20 pounds and I could be Justin Bieber’s twin. Maybe not ‘twin,’ but we do have something in common. While backstage in Paris, he walked into a glass wall so hard that he got a concussion and had to be rushed to the hospital. I had a similar experience—except mine took place in a hospital! I was preparing to make a startling revelation to the love of my life later that night. Before that, I had to take a fasting blood test. I’m preoccupied, I’m lightheaded, I’m anxious. I go through the sliding glass doors at the hospital, turn to walk towards the sign-in desk and bam—bashed my head right into an unseen glass wall with such force that blood spurt out! More than wanting to make sure I was OK, I wanted to at least appear fine since a lobby filled with patients was staring at someone who had blood gushing down his face. When I got to the lab, I asked for a bandage. They only had very small Band-Aids or large strips of gauze. They ended up wrapping my entire head, as if I were starring in the Natasha Richardson story! All day, I had been asking God for a sign—would my paramour be receptive to my news, or was I banging my head against a wall? Well, signs don’t come more literal than this. Did I listen? You will find out if I ever finish my first feature film, I Should Have Known.

Even rendering myself unconscious in a crowded hospital lobby was less embarrassing than Kathie Lee Gifford’s now infamous chat with Martin Short on the Today show. It all seemed pleasant—like two old friends catching up. Then Kath brought up Martin’s wife Nancy and what a great marriage they have. She then said, “How many years now for you guys?” An awkward question to ask someone whose wife died two years earlier! Short stammered out, “We married, um, 36 years.” But, Gifford wasn’t done. “But you’re still, like, in love?” “Madly, madly in love,” said Short. It couldn’t get worse, right? Wrong. “Why?” asked Kathie. Martin just shrugged and said, “I’m cute.” And Kathie Lee added, “And you make each other laugh.” Frankly, I’m not sure how funny Nancy is now—unless she’s cracking jokes via a Ouija board! But this isn’t completely Kathie Lee’s fault. Every television host wears an IFB, an earpiece through which people in the control room can communicate. During my brief talk show experience, I recall going down a tricky line of questioning only to hear the word ‘ABORT!’ screamed in my ear. Where was Kathie’s silent helper?

I’ve previously reported how much I enjoyed Casper Andreas’ latest flick Going Down in La-La Land. Although it’s been bouncing around the film festival circuit for months, the movie recently had its long-awaited theatrical opening at Hollywood’s famed Chinese Theater. Since I’d already seen the movie, I went directly to the after-party, where I enjoyed carousing with bon vivant Bruce Vilanch and the talented Mark Cirillo (fresh from his full-frontal starring role in The Seminarian, which has just been released on DVD). I also caught up with auteur Bryan Singer and singer Von Smith. And I snuck in congratulations to Casper and his star, Matthew Ludwinski. I resisted the urge to tell Matt how many of you enjoyed his ponderous penis pics on BillyMasters.com.

Every summer, the Hollywood Bowl mounts a semi-staged musical. This year, it’s The Producers, which will take place July 27-29. Jesse Tyler Ferguson from Modern Family will play Leo Bloom (originated by Matthew Broderick), while Max Bialystock will be portrayed by the uproarious Richard Kind (he played the role on Broadway after Nathan Lane). Also starring will be original cast members Gary Beach (who won a Tony playing Roger De Bris) and Roger Bart (as Carmen Ghia). Rounding things out will be that triple-threat, Rebecca Romijn, as Ulla. Check out HollywoodBowl.com for more information.

Speaking of theater, the New York Times did an article about Jim Parsons, who is currently appearing in the Broadway revival of Harvey. When discussing his performance in last season’s The Normal Heart, the scribe wrote that it “resonated with him on a few levels: Mr. Parsons is gay and in a 10-year relationship, and working with an ensemble again onstage was like nourishment, he said.” Since the writer did interview Parsons, I’m sure this information was conveyed directly—even if it isn’t presented in a direct quote.

Raven-Symoné is currently appearing on Broadway in Sister Act and found herself the target of the L-word label after the National Enquirer reported that she has set up house with galpal AzMarie Livingston, a former contestant on American’s Next Top Model. R-S decided to Tweet a response: “I’m living my PERSONAL life the way I’m happiest. I’m not one, in my 25-year career, to disclose who I’m dating, and I shall not start now. My sexual orientation is mine, and the person I’m dating’s to know. I’m not one for a public display of my life. However, that is my right as a HUMAN being whether straight or gay. To tell or not to tell. As long as I’m not harming anyone. I am a light being made from love. And my career is the only thing I would like to put on display, not my personal life. Kisses!” I believe that’s a very long-winded (and grammatically inaccurate) way of saying, “Yes.”

Many people are still debating whether Queen Latifah came out at Long Beach Pride—especially after she said how glad she was to be with “my people.” However, Queenie is clearing things up once and for all. “I’ve never dealt with the question of my personal life in public. It’s just not gonna happen,” she told Entertainment Weekly. “To me, doing a gay Pride show is one of the most fun things. My first show that paid more than $10,000 was in a gay club on New Year’s Eve in San Francisco. Tupac happened to be in town, so he came to kick it with me.” I’m not exactly sure, but I think she’s saying she loves the gays when she’s getting paid.

Our “Ask Billy” question transitions nicely from a queen to a prince. Rodney in London wrote: “Are there any real nudes of Prince William? There’ve been rumors in the press, but I haven’t found any. I figured you’d know.”

How dare you! What kind of sick person would ask for nude photos of Prince William instead of Prince Harry? Anyway, we have several shots of your heir (once removed) having a royal wee during a polo match. We’re not sure how the photographer managed to get so close, but we do know that he’s quite well-endowed (how nice for Kate). And interesting to see that, unlike his dad, he’s not circumcised. How do I know that? From the nude photos of Charles. Father and son will turn up on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re celebrating the Royal Jubilee with nude monarchs, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. You know, in olden days, I’m sure someone would decree “Off with his head.” Of course, I’m not sure which head. Be that as it may, you can get more than heads of state at BillyMasters.com, the thinking man’s gossip site. If you have a question of your own, send it to Billy@BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before I convince Justin Bieber to play me in that movie! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s Bible.