"I used to have this guy who came to my office for like a hundred dollars and it took an hour.” —Anderson Cooper tells Kathy Griffin about his former barber. When Kathy quipped, “It sounds like a prostitute,” Andy added, “Believe me, it wouldn’t take that long!”

Gay Pride month is drawing to a close, and this year all our little gay celebrities were busy entertaining the masses. As you know, I’ve performed at many of these festivals around the country. In my years hosting L.A. Pride, it was very difficult to get certain people involved. Ellen DeGeneres—impossible. Even when her mom Betty was the grand marshal, no Ellen. Another was Melissa Etheridge. She refused to discuss it. In fact, she wouldn’t even allow Tammy to participate—and we all know how that turned out. The unofficial word we got was that Etheridge felt that performing at gay Pride would “cheapen her brand.” So I was understandably surprised when I heard that she headlined Pittsburgh Pride. Pittsburgh? No offense, but how did they get her? She was asked this question by the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette, and here’s what she said: “I have often been asked to come to this Pride thing or that Pride thing, but Pittsburgh was the first time that there was an actual offer of the kind of money I’m used to getting.” I believe that’s the same reason Miss Elton John gave for singing at Rush’s wedding.

This year, I missed L.A. Pride because I was in Fort Lauderdale for Stonewall Summer Pride. The grand marshal was bon vivant (and my bon ami) Bruce Vilanch. It was fortuitous timing since Brucie was in town appearing in the South Florida premiere of Standing on Ceremony: The Gay Marriage Plays. We all know Bruce is a riot, but this show gave him the opportunity to not only make us laugh, but also show a lovely, touching and serious side. He’s even more talented than I realized—and that’s saying something. Although the entire cast was marvelous, I must single out the glorious Bryan Batt who can basically do anything—and always looks gorgeous doing it.

When I reported that ABC had passed on Marc Cherry’s Devious Maids, Bruce was the one who told me the show wasn’t necessarily dead and might turn up on another network. And he was right—Lifetime just picked up the show for 13 episodes next season.

Cheyenne Jackson is awfully busy these days—which is doing wonders for his physique. To promote his solo CD, he’s on the July cover of Attitude magazine, and the pics inside will certainly heat things up (they’re also on BillyMasters.com). Chey also has a part in the pilot for Mockingbird Lane, a reboot of The Munsters which will star Portia de Rossi, Jerry O’Connell and Eddie Izzard. As if that weren’t enough, he’ll also be in the Liberace flick that is being shot for HBO this summer. Details are being kept quiet. “I’m not allowed to say who I’m playing, but it’s pretty exciting.” BTW, Scott Bakula takes on the role of choreographer Bob Black, who introduced Liberace to Scott Thornson, and Rob Lowe will play the pianist’s plastic surgeon.

Last month, retired rugby player Gareth Thomas was the Attitude cover model—and he was completely naked! The soon-to-be 38-year-old looks so good, I am finding it more and more unlikely that Mickey Rourke will ever bring his story to the big screen. The latest delay in the proposed biopic came after the 59-year-old actor had numerous injuries during training. At least we have these hot photos of Gareth to tide us over—and they can be found on BillyMasters.com.

I had to do a double take after reading this headliner: “Lochte Tops Phelps.” Did I miss something? Apparently I did. After sexy Ryan Lochte bested Michael Phelps and was being touted as the next big thing, Phelps came back and showed why he’s still number one. But Ryan is the one on the cover of Men’s Health, where he shows off his fabulous physique and what the mag calls his “gold medal abs.” Plus, let’s face it—it’s kinda nice to see an Olympian who doesn’t look like a mistake out of the genetics lab!

This leads us perfectly to the never-ending John Travolta saga. Remember Fabian Zanzi? The Chilean Royal Caribbean room service waiter who Travolta allegedly made sexual advances on? Now Fabian has provided us with dialogue from the tryst—in case someone wants to make a movie eventually. According to Zanzi (who I bet does not speak English as his first language), Johnny disrobed, showed his erect penis, flipped onto his stomach, and said, “Take me, I will take care of you. Please.” At least he said “please,” although he might have gotten farther with “por favor.” Zanzi claims to have been offered $12K in hush money, which he declined. He’s threatening to sue—perhaps on Caso Cerrado.

Meanwhile, remember Robert Randolph? He’s the guy who wrote all about Travolta’s spa dalliances in You’ll Never Spa in This Town Again. He’s also suing John—for slander. He claims that Travolta and his attorney Marty Singer told publishers that he was a little crazy and had spent time in a mental institution. It should be noted that in Randolph’s book and on his website, he freely discusses getting beaten up by another spa-goer and that he sustained “permanent brain damage.” At least that explains why he went back!

Speaking of books, remember Doug Gotterba? The pilot who was allegedly Travolta’s boyfriend for six years? He too is writing a book—well, why wouldn’t he? Reportedly, he’s got two co-writers ready to help him. I just hope everyone connected has a clean bill of mental health. Personally, I think anyone crazy enough to get involved with John Travolta really should have their head examined.

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Vince in Philly: “What is this music video that Shia LaBeaouf did in the nude? Is he really naked? How does he look? And why can’t I find it?”

Yes, Shia is really naked—as in full-frontal nude. Although, I should warn you—he isn’t aroused. And as we all know, most flaccid men are not anything to write home about. No offense—that’s just the way it is. If you look enormous when soft, good for you. Send me a picture. Anyway, back to the video. It’s for a band out of Iceland called Sigur Rós, and the song is “Flögur Pianó,” which I’m sure you all know. The video is very avant garde and freaky—the only thing it was missing was some bitch in a swan dress! But does Shia look good? Yes. Must you see it? Personally, I’d rather see Gareth Thomas than Shia LaBeaouf, but that’s just me. You can see both at BillyMasters.com.

When working for Travolta requires a confidentiality agreement and a competency test, it’s time to end yet another column. What a bombshell about Tom Cruise, huh? Who didn’t see that coming? Anyone? If you jump up and down on a couch to announce you’re in love, what furniture do you pounce on to announce a divorce? An ottoman? A davenport? I know—he’ll probably be bouncing up and down on a Lazy Boy! All this and more can be found on BillyMasters.com. I love hearing from you. Feel free to e-mail your queries to Billy@BillyMasters.com, and I promise to get back to you before I start referring to Vilanch as my own personal deep throat! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s Bible.