COLUMNS / BILLY MASTERS

Billy Masters Stories 1 to 10 of 90  
4/9/2014
Uma Takes a Pie, Cher Gets the Shaft, Plus the Gayest Event in History Comes to L.A.
A TRAGEDY OF SEQUINS I recently spent some time with legendary designer Bob Mackie, so I just had to ask him about Cher. I had seen photos of her in a really hideous multi-colored catsuit and had to ask if he had designed it. Bob was shocked—how did I not hear about the whole Cher-Mackie breakup? Just before the opening night of the tour, Cher tweeted the following (I’m removing her ‘caps lock’ to spare ...
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4/7/2014
Reuniting Divas, 'Cock Socks' &Trouble in the House of Weir
REUNITING DIVAS, ‘COCK SOCKS’ & TROUBLE IN THE HOUSE OF WEIR
SKATING AROUND THE ISSUE There’s some troublesome news coming out from Lady Gaga’s Born This Way Foundation. I like Gaga and think her heart is in the right place, but what about those around her? This foundation (run by her mom) spent over $1.5 million on legal fees, publicity and internet consultants. That’s not an enormous amount, but the donations for the same time period equaled $2.6 million. So more than half the donations went ...
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2/27/2014
Selfie Drama, A Funny Gil and The World's Most Perfect Man
“The only way this film could be made worse would be to be eaten by a badger while watching it.” —This lead from a review in London’s The Guardian for A Winter’s Tale (released in the UK as A New York Winter’s Tale). Perhaps the best line from a review of a film ever! Prior to this, my favorite quote was when Rex Reed described the love scene in Titanic as reminding him of a ...
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1/20/2014
Becks Isn't Bashful, Liza's Big Bet, & Aaron's Sense of Style,
“And, honey, if you don’t win the Academy Award, I’m giving you mine!”—Liza Minnelli makes an offer to Matthew McConaughey at a New York luncheon toasting Dallas Buyers Club. If the Golden Globes are any indication, Liza’s Oscar is safe. First, a public service announcement. A group of scientists have discovered that semen can cure depression. Apparently the milky liquid contains a chemical that elevates mood, induces affection and causes sleep. Strangely, the study ...
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1/7/2014
2013 Round Up, JT Loses His Cool, Dylan Bares All
“The movie didn’t do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn’t have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn’t have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead.” —Justin Timberlake responds to criticism regarding the film Runner Runner and his CD, The 20/20 Experience: 2 of 2. You know what they say—if you can’t ...
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12/5/2013
Joan Gives Advice, Jonathan's New Show & The Peters Twin's Breakup
“Lemme tell you, everybody just relax.  Everybody is either a w*p,a n****r, a k*ke, a ch**k, a fairy, a m**k. Everybody's something. So why don’t we all calm down? Be thankful that we’re all living in America and stop, everybody, getting so damn uptight. And this goes for the Indians—both dot and feather.” —Joan Rivers defends Alec Baldwin’s alleged use of an anti-gay slur against a cameraman. Just before this column went out came word ...
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11/25/2013
Sharon & Arsenio Talk the 'T,' Jack Knows Science, Alec Does It Again
“Don't you know lots of people like that?  I do. I've seen those little girlie boys from Thailand—they're quite fabulous." —Sharon Osbourne tells Arsenio Hall about her experiences with people having both male and female genitalia. I, Billy Masters, being of relatively sound mind and having body fat in the mid-teens, declare this my last will and testament. Yes, this could very well be the last column you read from me. Not because I want ...
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10/24/2013
Cher's Advice, Mariska's Star, Zac's Awkwar Moment & Scott's Past
“Sometimes the best thing you can do for your career is die.”—Cher tells David Letterman the positive side of a performer dying young. Well, it’s too late for that.Didya know the fabulous Patti LuPone was just in town? She was brought out by producer Mark Cortale, who struck gold when pairing La LuPone with the irrepressible personality and pianist Seth Rudetsky at the Provincetown Art House. Seth interviews Patti and then they ...
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9/13/2013
Papal Indulgences and Other Welcome News
“Your homosexuality—it doesn't matter. We are all children of God. One way or another.” —Pope Francis allegedly called a young man in France who wrote to the Pontiff, very concerned that he'd burn in hell because he's gay. Look, I'm willing to believe that the Pope is calling people who write him letters. I'm even willing to believe Francis doesn't care if you're gay or straight. But I draw the line at believing that the ...
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9/2/2013
Anniversary Column
“Billy shows much enthusiasm but is lacking in some areas of writing skill. He completes his written assignments very quickly and should be encouraged to take more time to strive for neatness and better penmanship.” —The assessment from my 10th grade Honors English teacher. True to form, throughout the 18 years of writing this column, I've never missed a deadline. My handwriting is still messy, but all I do is type. Way back in August ...
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