COLUMNS / LITTLE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL

Jackie Beat

All I Want for Christmas
Jackie Beat
12/6/2011

As I sit in my lovely Highland Park home, surrounded by beautiful possessions, it dawns on me that I honestly have everything I need—and many things I never will. I mean, who needs three melon ballers!? Along with “What’s the meaning of life?” and “Who is God?” the hardest question to answer has to be “What do you want Santa to bring you this year?” But that’s exactly what I asked some of my most fabulous and freaky friends…

I’d like Santa to bring peace, equality and a balanced budget, but I’ll settle for something else that is hard to find nowadays: a pair of sensible heels. —Coco Peru, performer

I want Santa to exhume Amy Winehouse’s body so I can take her voicebox and get a record deal. Oh wait, was Amy cremated? If so, I’ll snort her ashes! —Raja, winner of RuPaul’s Drag Race

The resignation of every Republican in Congress and an all-natural fruitcake!” —Fred Schneider of The B-52s

It would be crass and predictable to say something like “more money” or “more sex,” so I will just say peace on Earth. —Heklina, SF’s Queen of Drag

A George Foreman Grill and Spanx For Men! —Murray Hill, everyone’s favorite drag king

I want five Schreiner brooches, four Pucci scarves, three Schiaparelli lava glass bracelets, two Mary Blair “Small World” Avon pins and one magnificent drag queen to make an honest hag of me at long last! —Muffy Bolding, writer and fag hag extraordinaire

Will power and a new Stella McCartney purse! —Chi Chi LaRue, porn titan/safe-sex advocate

I would like Santa to bring me back the five rolls of toilet paper and two bars of soap Jackie stole from my house and sold on the street last Christmas. She must have sold it. Have you ever known that bitch to use either one? —Ryan Landry, writer/performer

The gay child in me really wants this rare porcelain sculpture of Peter Pan called “Hooray For Captain Pan!” from the Walt Disney Classics Collection. I’m obsessed. —Raven, drag superstar

Anything vintage by Mugler—not that Lady Gaga knockoff shit! —Detox, performer

I would like a squadron of singing toddlers to surround me at all times, chanting carols of purity, innocence and beauty. If I can’t get that, then I’ll have cocaine. —Drew Droege, the internet’s “Chloe”

I would like Santa to bring me on tour with him. I just love helping to handle all of the big packages! —The World Famous BOB, performer

Andrej Pejic. —”Dirty” Diana Coney, talent manager

I want Santa to bring me anything from the Kardashian Home Kollection. Like a dog to its own vomit, I’m mesmerized by these bitches! —Joe Fitrzyk, entertainment reporter

I wish Santa would bring every single child in foster care who is eligible for adoption what they really need: fierce, loving, kind parents who will care for them. Don’t look at me, I’m done. —Alec Mapa, America’s Gaysian Sweetheart

I would like Santa to bring me Cookie, the Furreal Friend by Hasbro, so I can teach her to lick me! —Wendy Ho, filthy songstress

I would like Santa to bring me a bag full of Lindsay Lohan’s trash. —Jason Mecier, artist

I’d love Santa to bring me the Handpresso Portable Espresso Machine, for when I find myself trapped in a hotel room without a coffee maker. —Selene Luna, performer

Pinocchio—he comes right up to my crotch, so bring on the lies! —Leslie Lemons, Facebook’s favorite mannequin

I’d like for Santa to stuff my stocking with bookings, as I’m much happier when I’m singing showtunes and telling dirty jokes. —Lindsey Alley, singer/actress

Cars that run on water, an end to world hunger and for credit cards and banks to forgive all debt. —Austin Young, artist

Honestly, I have every material thing I want, outside of a house. I’m hoping for several amazing dinners with friends. —Calpernia Addams, performer

I don’t believe in Christmas, but I’d love people to buy tons of tickets to my Christmas show! —Justin Bond, performer

Front row tickets to Bjork’s next concert, and the olive oil ice cream from Maximilliano’s. —Travis Walck, actor

An iPod Touch and pearl earrings. —Kate Flannery, actress on The Office

Licorice and a green card! —Kay Sedia, star of Chico’s Angels

I wish Santa would get it together and bring me James Franco wearing a yarmulke and nothing else! —Sherry Vine, NYC’s dirty drag darling

I’d love it if Santa brought all of my artist, drag queen, filmmaker friends— and anyone else who needs it—health insurance. —Peaches Christ, writer/director/performer

I want Santa to bring me Derek Hough from DWTS. —Jimmy James, performer

I want Santa to bring my best friend, Jackie Beat, a hot man to love and do some serious making out with. I’m sure he’d appreciate it. That’s right, I said “he!” —Mario Diaz, actor/club promoter

I don’t want Santa to bring me anything—I just want to see him! —Parker Posey, actress


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