Tapas is all the rage—you know, what the Spanish call “small plates” (but in Spanish, of course). People just adore tidbits, finger foods and appetizers! I think that explains the popularity of Twitter. Not hungry for an entire blog? No problem! Enjoy one of my sassy signature snarky “snacks!” Here are some of my best tweets. Just imagine getting these gems on a continuous IV drip! You can, by following me on Twitter @JackieBeat.

Gay kid at a spelling bee: “Work. W, E, R, Q... Werq!”

Coffee is the responsible person’s cocaine ... and Advil PM is their heroin!

Have you ever seen a photo of yourself that was so bad you wondered, “Is there a new Hipstamatic lens called bad skin?”

I like to TeBo my favorite shows: I get down on one knee in public and pray that the DVR will work!

New terminology: Poop is now called “a 3-D Fart” and farts are now “Ghost Poop.”

The real question is: Will you stick with it when the glamour wears off? And honey, the glamour always wears off.

The series Hoarders is like Kim Kardashian—just when you think it can’t get any worse, it does!

Pornographers, a tip: Don’t waste your money on music. It’s usually awful and always unnecessary.

Religion is to God what a paint-by-number is to Art.

White whine: Right now I’m kind of wishing I hadn’t given my leftover half a cheeseburger to that homeless woman in Beverly Hills...

They sell condoms & pregnancy tests @ The 99 Cents Only Store, which makes sense cuz if you buy the first thing there u may need the second!

I can’t wait for Whitney Houston’s next comeback. Let’s just hope it doesn’t require a séance.
Surprisingly, almost all of the people I know who use medicinal marijuana all suffer from the same affliction: They are allergic to reality!

I think it’s a pretty safe bet that Janis Joplin never heard the phrase, “Once more, with feeling.”

Ellen Degeneres & Queen Latifah for Covergirl? It’s like, “If we can make these two burly babes look good, imagine what we can do for YOU!”

People ask me all the time about my makeup. I only wear a little CLOWNdation and CUNTouring!

Mourning Wood... Getting turned on at a funeral?

ApoloJizz... Saying you’re sorry with sex?

The proper & all-inclusive acronym for alternative lifestyles shall now be LGBTQOLAA. (The One-Legged Albino Asexuals were feeling left out!)

I’m torn regarding unconditional love. May sound harsh, but if I discover that you’re a child-molesting serial killer, it’s over “friend!”

Hey, I was drug and alcohol-free for seven years. ... Then I turned 8 and all hell broke loose!

Once this guy told me he was half-Puerto Rican and I thought, “God, I hope it’s the bottom half!”

First Planet of the Apes, then Chocolate Factory and now Dark Shadows. Tim Burton, please stop taking a dump on my childhood!

Who names these storms? I’m sorry, but Hurricane Irene doesn’t sound very threatening. What does she do, fling a cocktail in your face!?

I wish the horrendous TV show According To Jim was called Aborting You, Jim! As far as I am concerned, the wrong Belushi died.