Tapas is all the rage—you know, what the Spanish call “small plates” (but in Spanish, of course!) People just adore tidbits, finger foods and appetizers! I think that explains the popularity of Twitter. Not hungry for an entire blog? No problem! Enjoy one of my sassy signature snarky “snacks!” Here are some of my best tweets. Just imagine getting these gems on a continuous IV drip! You can, by following me on Twitter @JackieBeat.

If you’re deaf, enjoy my look. If you’re blind, drink in the voice. If you’re blessed with both sight and hearing, you’re really in luck!

Manhattan just changed its nickname from “the city that never sleeps” to “the city that refuses to make eye contact.”

Whenever someone tells me, “I’m not really a dog person,” all I hear is, “I’m not really a person.”

I am going to guess that eating leftover Indian food for breakfast is like blowing Brody Jenner: You know better, but you just can’t say no!

Think about it. Even “gourmet” food is just future poop!

Perhaps the idiots @ Museum of Tolerance texting, sitting on the displays, talking & laughing were just “actors” teaching me tolerance...?

As a drag queen of a “certain age” I have learned never to take a pair of tweezers to my face... or to my comedy!
To me, this royal wedding is sort of like Paul McCartney coming out with a new CD. It makes me ask, “Who cares!?”

When I weighed 355 folks would tell me just eat less! That’s like walking up to Jackie Kennedy & saying a little club soda will get that out.

My new rule: If I can’t fuck it, then I’m gonna’ kill it and eat it!

Some situations are like getting raped by the Devil on the floor of The Sistine Chapel... Yeah it’s horrible, but what a view!

Life ain’t a job you can just quit... You have to wait to be fired!

Does anyone even remember the name of the total bore that Adam Lambert lost to?

I am high on life... And just a little heroin!

“You get more flies with honey than you do with vinegar” —um, who wants flies?

If you’re making coffee in the bathroom you are either in a hotel room or an episode of Hoarders.

“Why don’t you go molest your inner child!?”

Why even bother to be gay if you’re going to high-five and use phrases like “Hump Day?!”

Dear Martin Sheen, stop trying to save the planet and focus on your f*cked up son. Love, Jackie.

Am I the only one enraged by misspelled words on XTube? It’s masturbation with a U, you horse-hung idiot!

Please remember, and never forget, heterosexuality is nothing to aspire to.

May God have mercy on those with irony-poor blood...

Why do people stand in line at the post office to buy one stamp!? Unless you have terminal cancer, buy a book of ‘em!

Porn stars and supermodels shouldn’t talk. Do you see me running around in my underwear?

Sexting? Actually, I prefer breaking up via a text message. It’s called Nexting.

Tweeting, aka “Giving away your act, one line at a time.”

If you’re not already a misogynist, watching The View will make you one.

It just happened. I am officially over Betty White!

Gays will take your fist up to the elbow, but 2 hours later when you try to hold their hand in the movies they recoil in disgust! Go figure.

Remember, talent weighs more than hustle.

All black remake of Laverne & Shirley... “ShaVerne & Lurley!”

Reality show you will never see: “Dignity!”

The sound of “Dr.” Phil’s voice makes me want to open a major artery with an old grapefruit spoon.