I am lounging in the backyard of my ex-boyfriend’s palatial home in Cheviot Hills, still damp from a refreshing dip in the gorgeous saltwater pool. This last week has been a dizzying whirlwind of activity—four sold-out shows over Memorial Day weekend in New York City, flying home just in time for my weekly dragstravaganza at The Abbey and then furiously writing jokes about people who are younger, thinner and more successful than myself for two back-to-back episodes of Fashion Police. Needless to say, I’ve been quite the busy beaver. But now, like I said, I am relaxing with absolutely nothing to do before I fly back to the East coast tomorrow to do shows in Albany and Poughkeepsie, New York. The sun is shining and there is a gentle orange blossom-scented breeze blowing. Yep, summer is here! So I thought I’d pull out my laptop, sit beneath this giant umbrella at the patio table and write my column.
Summer is here, A to Z!
A is for Alcoholic beverages! I personally do not drink, but summer is a great time to add a splash of booze to just about anything—lemonade, Diet Coke or even a McDonald’s milkshake!
B is for Barbeques! Whether it’s a steak, a boneless, skinless, free-range organic chicken breast, a bacon-wrapped hotdog or a veggie burger—everything tastes better when it’s cooked on a grill!
C is for Cut-offs! There is nothing sexier than a guy in a pair of super-short ass-accentuating, bulge-showcasing cut-off jeans!
D is for Dogs! If you don’t have one, at least go to the dog park with a friend who does. There’s nothing better than watching dogs play in the park.
E is for Egg Whites! This is what you should be eating for breakfast to make sure you look good wearing letter ‘C.’
F is for Flowers! We are so blessed here in Southern California to have beautiful flowers growing just about everywhere!
G is for Girls! I loves me some gorgeous girls in their bikinis and big floppy hats and sandals and giant sunglasses. And if they happen to have a hot boyfriend with ‘em, even better!
H is for the Hollywood Bowl! You haven’t lived until you’ve packed a picnic and gone to see a concert at this world-famous landmark.
I is for Ice cream! Unless you’re lactose intolerant and will suffer from horrible, explosive diarrhea at the worst possible moment, treat yourself to a scoop or two!
J is for Joan Rivers! As you may or may not know, I am writing for the legendary lady on Fashion Police, and she’s the reason I am not going to Provincetown this summer. So please watch the show on E! so it stays on the air and I keep my job. Thanks!
K is for Kissing! And it’s really romantic when done around a bonfire on the beach!
L is for Lemonade! And it’s really good when you add booze! Please refer to letter ‘A.’
M is for Mascara Mondays! My free show every Monday at The Abbey! Special guests, drink specials and yummy food! Did I mention it’s free!?
N is for Night concerts! Please refer to letter H.
O is for Oranges! I can go out into my backyard and pick oranges right off my very own tree! How crazy is that?
P is for Pools! Like the one I am staring at right now. I can’t wait until I am done writing this stupid column so I can jump back into it.
Q is for Quiet! I love those quiet, balmy summer nights—right before my neighbors blare their Ranchero music, the dogs start barking and the sirens start wailing. Shhhhh!
R is for Rides! Whether it’s Disneyland, California Adventure, Universal Studios, Knott’s Berry Farm or Magic Mountain, we have so many fun places to act like a kid again!
S is for Sunblock! Unless you want to look like leather or one of those shrunken apple-head dolls, you had better slather it on generously before going into the sun.
T is for The Hollywood Forever Cemetery! Take a blanket, some snacks and go watch classic movies under the stars (and over the dead people)!
U is for Universal Studios! It’s so fun to walk around and people-watch, go shopping, have lunch and maybe see a movie!
V is for Vacation! Whether it’s to Palm Springs, Las Vegas or all the way to fancy schmancy Europe, it’s so nice to get away from it all!
W is for Watermelon! There ain’t nothin’ like a big slice of ice-cold watermelon on a hot summer day!
X is for X-Rated fun at BFD! Big Fat Dick at Fubar is the longest–running boy party in Los Angeles for many reasons—and they’re all filthy!
Y is for Yogurt, frozen. It’s practically health food, so enjoy yourself!
Z is for Zankou chicken! My favorite place for a cheap, tasty lunch or dinner. And if you eat too much and gain a few pounds, you can take them off with another ‘Z’—a Zumba class!