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1/31/2012
Performer Selene Luna is one of my very best friends. We have shared hotel rooms, motel rooms, dressing rooms, hallways and/or broom closets serving as dressing rooms and, thanks to our tiny stomachs (hers from birth, mine from surgery), a whole lot of brunches, lunches and dinners. Of course, we have also shared the stage (in countless shows, including my play Whatever Happened To Busty Jane?), computer screen (in wildly popular YouTube videos such as our “High Fructose Corn Syrup Parody”) and even the silver screen (in the campy schlock-fest Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver)! And now I am ...
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1/13/2012
Sunday, Jan. 8 was one of the best nights of my life! Picture it: The historic Los Angeles Biltmore...
It was Betty White’s 90th birthday celebration, and I was fortunate enough to be Kate Flannery’s date. You may know Kate as Meredith, the messy drunk who often flashes her boobs on NBC’s The Office. She played Neely O’Hara opposite my Helen Lawson, eight shows per week for crap money, in the hit off-Broadway production of Valley of the Dolls. We go way back.
After enjoying tapas-style small plates of roast beef, horseradish mashed potatoes, sushi, risotto, gnocchi and pot stickers, ...
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1/4/2012
I spent my New Year’s Eve in bed, watching TV, alternating between salty and sweet snacks. I watched Justin Bieber perform in Times Square before the ball dropped. Oh, the irony! You know, on account of the fact that Justin’s balls have yet to drop? I enjoyed watching a very tan Dick Clark (I mean, who’s his BFF, Snooki?!) as he spoke in his signature stroke slur. I really do love him for still putting on a suit, slapping on about a half-pound of terra cotta foundation, combing his Fonzie hair and forcing people to face reality: “Fuck you, this ...
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12/6/2011
As I sit in my lovely Highland Park home, surrounded by beautiful possessions, it dawns on me that I honestly have everything I need—and many things I never will. I mean, who needs three melon ballers!? Along with “What’s the meaning of life?” and “Who is God?” the hardest question to answer has to be “What do you want Santa to bring you this year?” But that’s exactly what I asked some of my most fabulous and freaky friends…
I’d like Santa to bring peace, equality and a balanced budget, but I’ll settle for something else that is hard to ...
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11/15/2011
Thanksgiving has come and gone, and as I sit motionless in my turkey-induced coma, I couldn’t help but count my many blessings. Then I wondered what some of my most fabulous friends were feeling grateful for this time of year…
That I can still make a living doing what I love to do, and that I’m surrounded by brilliant, creative people. —Heklina, SF’s Queen of Drag
That for the rest of 2011 I can arrive drunk, high, fat and selfish anywhere/anytime. Happy Holidays, America! —Drew Droege, the internet’s “Chloe”
For finding a handsome straight bear to marry! —The World Famous ...
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11/4/2011
Or it might be more brilliant than ever. Either way, this column is due, and so I am typing. The reason I have such severe jet lag is because I just returned a few days ago from performing in Sydney, Australia. The flight is almost 15 hours each way, and for some reason I can never fall asleep on airplanes. Now, what I have learned about jet lag is that you can feel perfectly fine a day or two after your time zone-shattering trip, but three or four days in, it can hit you like a ton of bricks. You ...
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10/25/2011
As Piper Laurie (as the religious whack-job mother) in the movie Carrie says, “Sin never dies!” You know what else never dies? Kim Kardashian and the fungus on the big toe of my left foot—but that’s another column. Of all the Seven Deadly Sins, I must say that PRIDE has to be my very favorite! I’m not really sure why it’s even a sin. I doubt God is sitting up in Heaven, arms crossed and shaking his head, thinking, “How dare they feel good about themselves?” Stealing is a sin. Killing someone is a sin. The fact that the talent-free ...
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10/11/2011
Hello dearest readers! For this issue’s particular column, I have decided to sit down and write you a heartfelt letter. And when I say “letter,” I do not mean some rambling, mushy piece of old-fashioned correspondence, handwritten with heart-dotted I’s on scented stationary. Oh no! I mean an actual letter! And that letter, of course, is J! Sure, J is for Jackie, but it’s also for some other rather wonderful things. Yes, I suppose this is a big “Screw you!” to my usual trip through the entire alphabet, but let’s focus on a dirty dozen things that begin with the ...
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9/26/2011
...Who Actually Read This Column As Opposed to the Majority of Dim-Witted Sodomites Who Merely Peruse this Magazine for the Photos of Shirtless Young Men with Whom They Have Little or No Chance of Ever Having Sex,
Hi! I am sitting here, cooped up in my hotel room on the seventh floor, looking out the window at one of the most spectacular views I have ever seen in my close to a half century on this planet. Keep in mind that I have been to some pretty darn attractive and exciting places—such as Barcelona, Athens, Rome, Istanbul, Haiti, Paris and ...
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9/15/2011
Home sweet home! I am back from Provincetown—via Raleigh, N.C. (why pay my own way home when I can just book a few shows in another city?)—and I couldn’t be happier! After surviving 62 drag shows and one hurricane, I feel like a future serial killer’s abused puppy. Not unlike a runner who collapses in a heap after leaping across the finish line like a gazelle, I am now crashing and burning. And the sorest, most exhausted muscle of them all is my brain! So, here goes nothing, because...
IF YOU FORGET, USE THE ALPHABET!
Yep, one of my world-famous ...
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