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5/4/2012
Dear Sharon,Condragulations on being crowned “America’s Next Drag Superstar!” Although I do adore me some old-school flawless Chad Michaels, I was rooting for you and your spooky brand of glamour from the get-go! Get it, ghoulfriend! See what I did there? Genius.Seriously, I have felt a swell of proud and protective maternal warmth from the moment I first laid eyes on you—makeup-stained post-show eyes that were downright exhausted from smizing at generous tippers one moment and then shooting daggers at idiots who were compulsively texting and/or trolling Grindr the next. Eye am so tired! Get it? Hilarious.May ...
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5/1/2012
As a fat kid who grew up in the 1970s, John Belushi was my comedy hero. He was one of the original “Not Ready For Primetime Players” (aka the cast of Saturday Night Live) back when the show was actually live—and actually funny. His anything-for-a-laugh characters like The Samurai and a zaftig, choking-on-chicken Liz Taylor had me and the rest of America in stitches. And his energy on the small screen was nothing compared to when he stole the movie Animal House by smashing an annoying folksinger’s acoustic guitar to bits and spewing mashed potatoes across the cafeteria. Little did ...
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4/9/2012
You may be too young to remember when Julia Roberts and weird country crooner Lyle Lovett were married. If you are, then screw you for being so young. But I remember when I first heard about the unlikely couple. I couldn’t help but think, “What a strange combination!” And then, a moment later, I couldn’t help but think, “That big ol’ scary Frankenstein-lookin’ hillbilly must be hung like a mule to snag America’s Sweetheart/Favorite Pretty Woman Prostitute!” But looking back, I guess it kind of made sense—he had the junk of a horse and she had the teeth of one....
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3/23/2012
I am sitting in the library. The library of a cruise ship. The library of a cruise ship in Barbados. Yeah, my life sucks. But don’t be jealous—it’s slightly overcast today. Of course, that isn’t stopping all the gay men from every nook and cranny of our great country (and quite a few from various big cities in Europe) from packing their beloved meat and potatoes into brightly colored Speedos and/or thongs the approximate size of postage stamps so they can sip tropical drinks while lounging around the pool. I had to walk past them all to get here to ...
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3/7/2012
Tapas is all the rage—you know, what the Spanish call “small plates” (but in Spanish, of course!) People just adore tidbits, finger foods and appetizers! I think that explains the popularity of Twitter. Not hungry for an entire blog? No problem! Enjoy one of my sassy signature snarky “snacks!” Here are some of my best tweets. Just imagine getting these gems on a continuous IV drip! You can, by following me on Twitter @JackieBeat.
If you’re deaf, enjoy my look. If you’re blind, drink in the voice. If you’re blessed with both sight and hearing, you’re really in luck!
Manhattan ...
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2/29/2012
Tapas is all the rage—you know, what the Spanish call “small plates” (but in Spanish, of course). People just adore tidbits, finger foods and appetizers! I think that explains the popularity of Twitter. Not hungry for an entire blog? No problem! Enjoy one of my sassy signature snarky “snacks!” Here are some of my best tweets. Just imagine getting these gems on a continuous IV drip! You can, by following me on Twitter @JackieBeat.
Gay kid at a spelling bee: “Work. W, E, R, Q... Werq!”
Coffee is the responsible person’s cocaine ... and Advil PM is their heroin!
Have ...
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2/8/2012
Usually sunny Los Angeles was overcast, and I felt lethargic and zonky and gross. After meeting a few friends for lunch, I came home and crawled back into bed. I watched horrible TV shows and kept wandering into the kitchen for handfuls of salty snacks like Salt & Pepper Pop Chips. God, Pop Chips are really good. I had just gotten over a cold (or mild flu) recently and was afraid that maybe I had pushed myself too hard too soon and it was back. But the more I thought about it, the more I had to admit I was ...
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1/31/2012
Performer Selene Luna is one of my very best friends. We have shared hotel rooms, motel rooms, dressing rooms, hallways and/or broom closets serving as dressing rooms and, thanks to our tiny stomachs (hers from birth, mine from surgery), a whole lot of brunches, lunches and dinners. Of course, we have also shared the stage (in countless shows, including my play Whatever Happened To Busty Jane?), computer screen (in wildly popular YouTube videos such as our “High Fructose Corn Syrup Parody”) and even the silver screen (in the campy schlock-fest Gingerdead Man 3: Saturday Night Cleaver)! And now I am ...
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1/13/2012
Sunday, Jan. 8 was one of the best nights of my life! Picture it: The historic Los Angeles Biltmore...
It was Betty White’s 90th birthday celebration, and I was fortunate enough to be Kate Flannery’s date. You may know Kate as Meredith, the messy drunk who often flashes her boobs on NBC’s The Office. She played Neely O’Hara opposite my Helen Lawson, eight shows per week for crap money, in the hit off-Broadway production of Valley of the Dolls. We go way back.
After enjoying tapas-style small plates of roast beef, horseradish mashed potatoes, sushi, risotto, gnocchi and pot stickers, ...
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1/4/2012
I spent my New Year’s Eve in bed, watching TV, alternating between salty and sweet snacks. I watched Justin Bieber perform in Times Square before the ball dropped. Oh, the irony! You know, on account of the fact that Justin’s balls have yet to drop? I enjoyed watching a very tan Dick Clark (I mean, who’s his BFF, Snooki?!) as he spoke in his signature stroke slur. I really do love him for still putting on a suit, slapping on about a half-pound of terra cotta foundation, combing his Fonzie hair and forcing people to face reality: “Fuck you, this ...
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