COLUMNS / OUT & ABOUT

Out and About with Dana Miller

Blackbox Hollywood
Gossip Gay
1/31/2012

My dear queer readers,

Another week, another heaping helping of gay gossip! Here's the DL on some of our favorite West Hollywood who's, what's, where's and why not's!

Celeb Sighting
Oh, how we love the ever-biting, ever-bitter Jackie Hoffman. Leave it to her to make a dance musical number out of a Holocaust march —and make it awesomely entertaining! Yes, as we sat through her show last week at the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center, we cried a little, laughed a little more and mostly just sat plain delightfully horrified with the actress's endearing wrongness.

But ever the queer gossiper, our eyes weren't only fixated on the stage. As our baby blues darted around the theatre, we noticed two of our gay favs in the audience: silver screen indie sweetheart Marla Plimpton sitting solo, middle row center, and Kate Flannery (the red-headed mess on The Office) sitting in the back with a gaggle of gabby gals.

Both were what you'd call "giving" audience members. With each and every one of Hoffman's jokes, both gay-favs were screaming with LOLs and gyrating with ROFLs. Now, we're not sure if the gals are BFFs with Hoffman (or just lovers of some good Bernadette Peters speech impediment humor); but either way, we loved listening to their A-list giggles just as much as we loved J.Hoff on stage.

(Oh, sidebar—Jackie, you owe us $149 and two hours of our lives back. The Addams Family musical was less interesting than watching paint dry and more painful than an anastetic-free lipo procedure! Fail!)

QueerSaid

If you’re a regular reader, you know that Gossip Gay likes to spend much of his time working on his never-finished screenplay at the gay Starbucks on Santa Monica. Yes, it’s cliché—but I pride myself on my gay L.A. cliché-ness. Well, quite often I overhear queer, hysterical and just plain stupid gay babble, and the following overheard tidbit titillated me to the max.

Yes, when two former RuPaul Drag Racers (in their most casual of men’s wear) sat down next to me, I knew I was in for a clandestine laugh. But when one flipped his/her not-clipped-in hair and said, “Sometimes you gotta cut a bitch,” I knew things were gonna get delicious!

The conversation played out with a whole lot of the standard moaned, groaned and eye-rolled insults. (Our favorite was perhaps when they kept referring to the cut-worthy bitch in question as “Mrs. Man Hands.”) The CliffsNotes version of the convo boiled down to this: Apparently, a handful of these lady-boys are trying to put together a new show in WeHo; and while a major club promotor is interested, no one is biting because that dragger who is putting up the money refuses to step to the back row.

“OK, I understand that Mrs. Man Hands is paying for the startup bullsh*t, but she’s [bleeping] disgusting on stage. She can’t Whitney. She can’t J. Lo. She can’t even Britney. I mean, bitch has gotta make a choice. Let us put on a fab show and step to the back, or stay center stage and star in a hot-mess-fest. ... I’m trying to be nice here [laughs] but bitch has got bad skin and a really, really, I mean really big spare tire. And that just ain’t hot. It’s busted—a busted drag bitch with man hands.”

Now we love pop star man-hands as much as the next judgmental gay. (Madonna, anyone? Missy Elliot, yes? Gaga, definitely!) Perhaps the only thing we love more is a hot-mess-fest starring a busted drag bitch at our favorite homo watering hole. Lady-boys, you name the time and place, and we’ll be in the front row with our Bacardi and diet coke 50/50. Because nothing says good times like a spare tire attempting to hit me, baby, one more time.

You better work!

Blackbox Hollywood

Sometimes it’s more painful than a root canal, longer than an episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians and more expensive than a pair of high-end 2(x)ist boxer briefs. What is it, you may query? Blackbox theater in L.A.! Yes, it’s the place where pretty models, talentless gays and moronic valley bitches go in search of their big break—and the only thing they end up breaking is our Friday night.

Well, as our regular readers know, Gossip Gay has long been a fan of WeHo’s alternative to the tragic blackbox, Celebration Theatre—the “longest consistently producing LGBTQ theatre in the country!” [Insert plug here!] Good work, good times, super hot boys; it’s a win-win! But things are about to get even better at the good ol’ CT.

Word on the gossip circle is that a big-time gay indie producer is set to bring his talents back to the stage. So a Celebration insider tells us: “Yes, he was involved in the theatre as a silent partner a few years ago, but now he wants to come back in a major way. ... It was kinda out of the blue, his return. But it is so welcome, and a surprise series of shows he has planned just may become the hottest thing in late-night theater in L.A.! We’re just beginning to work out the details, but something unique is on the horizon.”

Gossip Gay pressed but couldn't get a whole lot more information—other than it'll be less painful than a root canal, about as long as an episode of the Kardashians and less expensive than a pair of high-end 2xist boxer briefs. Either way, if it's hot and late night, we'll be first in line!

T-Shirt Tragic
A quick shout-out to the mid-20s model who continues to wear a T-shirt with his own face on it while lifting at the 24 Hour Fitness in WeHo. Yes, you have beautiful biceps, but a model that wears his headshot on his pec-hugging Fruit of the Loom tank is just so...un-spank bankable. Please stop it! You make us gag—and not in the good way!

XOXOXO,
Gossip Gay


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