Well, hello there, you SexyBacked Thang! Thank you for clicking on Gossip Gay's WWW and joining us once again for a little L.A. LGBTQ non-celebrity underbelly gossip. We're in-the-know when it comes to the trash that makes WeHo go LOL—so, once again, here goes!

Momma Goes Gong?

L.A.'s answer to LGBT Hollyweird is upon us. Yes, folks, it's July—which means the Outfest film fest is here! For all y'all out of the Tinseltown know, it's a one-week stretch when SoCal's most eager and aspiring filmmakers gather to show off their gay-as-a-three-dollar bill homemade feature flicks and homosexual shorts. Now, maybe our description of the 'fest reads as queerly bitter! But we're not Bitty Betty in the least. Each and every shitty B-list (ok, D-list) film that we've worked on and submitted in the past has been accepted and screened in the shorts program...but that's not saying much, considering we work on a budget of $18—that $18 going to a bottle of discount Smirnoff with which to get the on-the-fence bisexual DP tipsy enough to give us a handsy and a hickey in the prop closet. But nonetheless, we love Outfest and all the drama (both on and off the silver screen) that it brings to life.

However, what we love most of all—even more so than the galas, open bars, "Thank god, this one is actually good!" screenings and the pat-me-on-the-back-for-being-gay-but-attempting-to-play-straight awards ceremony—is the Gong Show. Yes, hosted by one Dennis Hensley, this tongue-in-cheek late-night is LOLs at its most NC-17.

However, controversy swept the 2011 show last year when the top three non-gonged winning flicks were announced. So tells us one (actually) bitter, non-placing queen: "OK, so you know Momma? That big WeHo drag queen?! Yea, she was in the top 3! I think she even won! I don't remember but she had some music video where she was like eating pies at a picnic and it was just like so: "What the hell is this?! Honestly, totally not good but it was like at the top of the not gonged list. I dunno, but I smell fixed and it pisses me off!"

Do you know what we smell, Ms. Bitchy McBitch Alot? We smell bitter with a side of party-for-one followed by a slice of Your-parents-obviously-overpaid-for-that-USC-film-degree-if-a-drag-queen-eating-pie-served-up-a-better-short-than-you-did! Get over it! Two years ago, the winner was: Meat Ass: the portrait for a power-lifting bodybuilder whose ass split open after dead-lifting too much weight. (Seriously!)

This evening isn't about high-brow cinematic screening. It's more like...a marathon of M. Night Shyamalan movies—if gurlfriend took himself less seriously and actually realized how stupid his three-hour films were!

Momma and Meat Ass! That's what we wanna see!

Blue-Eyed Bomer 2.

Dear black-haired, blue-eyed 20-something Matthew Bomer look-alike scribbling (probably some bad Jewel-esque poetry) into a notebook at 3 p.m. last Thursday afternoon at the gay Starbucks on Santa Monica Boulevard—

Oh, how we love thee! No, it's not your Jessica Simpson shorty-short jeans and the way the pockets dangle across your supple thighs; nor is it in the way that your wrist limply flaps against your chiseled cheekbones each time you read a text (which we're assuming is from one of your A-gay rent-boi whore friends) with a dramatic sigh.

It's the way you rolled your eyes at us each time we asked, "Hey, are you going to be here for a minute? Do you mind watching our computer while we go up to get another venti iced passion tea, no sweetener, no water, light ice refill and a 180-calorie mini-apple tart? Thanks!" You, my blue-eyed Bomer look-alike, are a grade-A class-1 bitch—and we love ya for it!

Yes, we just met you and this is crazy, but here's our number (1-800-Can-We-Take-You-To-A-Fancy-Dinner-and-All-We-Expect-In-Return-is-a-5-Minute-Dry-Hump-Session?!), so call us, maybe!

Reader ROFL

Last Tuesday, we received an email from a regular reader: "You make me lolz like Hello Kitty."

Now Gossip Gay isn't sure if that's a good thing—and we don't particularly like being compared to a big-eyed pussy. But we thank you kindly for the non-catty correspondence. "lolz" away!

VVP DO

The rumors are sad but true. The Village Variety Pack live stage show variety hour at the L.A. Gay and Lesbian Center has been canceled. But we don't cry for the show (in the same way that we don't cry for Argentina). It ran for 33 months and brought over 200 artists—from first-time performers, diamond-in-the-rough superstars and all-out Tony/Emmy/Grammy winners—to its blackbox stage!

So says one asked-to-remain-anonymous regular: "It was a blast—almost like kinda being a part of gay history because the Center is like the epicenter of gay history in L.A. But let's be honest—it's theater in Los Angeles. No one sees theater here, especially if it's on a Monday night and costs $15 and doesn't serve alcohol or have naked boys shaking their ass. It ran its course and it was fun."

Take a bow, Village Variety Pack. You had a good run and you get a standing ovation as our best-in-show stage show!

XOXO,
Gossip Gay

P.S. If you've got dish, we wanna hear it! So drop us your dirty little secrets at QueerSay@hotmail.com. And don't worry—we never give up our deep throats!