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The Happy Howard & The Happy Hustler

By Michael Kearns

Magically, I found myself on the Howard Stern Show—like Alice in that psychedelic looking glass, like Dorothy in glittery Oz. There I was, merely inches (a recurring theme during the show, by the way) away from the Man. Now some wags might define my appearance more like Eve Harrington onstage with her idol, Margo Channing, but the truth is bad enough—this was as innocent as it was accidental.

My friend of more than 40 years, Carole Preston, has a dreamboat of a husband who knows that her infatuation with Howard Stern is not going to break up their marriage of thirtysomething years. Dave is a generous and altruistic human being; because he knows his wife’s boundless love of Howard, he bid in a charity auction that promised the winner a visit to sit in on Howard’s show.

Carole and I went to Acting School (capital A, capital S) together, so Dave has been aware of my—shall we say,theatricalities?—for decades. He thought I might be a more suitable presence on the show, escorting his lovely wife—even though there are no guarantees that the “charity guests” would say a word.

Think again, partner.

I found an opening, so to speak, at the top of the segment. Referring to the relationship between Carole and me, I said, “I’m the gay friend.” Howard was immediately responsive: “Gay people are a gift from God to this world.” He said that all of his gay friends have “something special” about them.

He asked me if he could be gay and sleep with women but not men. I explained that he could be a “straight fruit. Hollywood is filled with them.”

When asked if I had sex with women when I was younger, I told him that I’d occasionally have a threeway with a couple in order to fuck the guy. Howard (correctly, I concurred) said that any guy who’d have a three-way with another guy is probably gay.

There was the inevitable talk about penis sizes: Howard’s (self-admittedly “small”), mine (self-aggrandizingly “large”), Rock Hudson’s (“ginormous,” first-hand knowledge) and Carole’s husband’s (“huge,” because he told Carole to tell me to tell Howard that).

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