With more than 1,770 channels on television, production offices are a dime a dozen in Tinseltown, so it’s not earth-shattering gossip that yet another small-screen cable network has recently opened its doors on the wrong side of Hollywood Boulevard. What’s interesting, though, is a recent company-wide email this production company sent out to its 100-plus employees.

So explains a production assistant whose name is being withheld: “The new office is nice enough—very modern and comfortable—but it’s located in a really bad part of Hollywood, right off this block that people on the sixth floor call Crack Alley! A few nights ago, an editor was walking back from one of the editing bays and was chased down the street by a homeless woman quacking like a duck and wearing plastic bags on her legs. She was terrified and reported the incident to management.”

For all y’all that have yet to visit this Hollywood hotbed of cray-cray, I have, so allow me paint a picture: It’s an alley just a hop, skip and sashay off the infamous Walk of Fame. The overwhelming smell of urine is baked into the pavement, broken bottles and old needles are strewn about, with a human steam pile in each and every pothole. It’s truly Hollywood at its most magical!

This week, a company-wide email went out to the staff regarding this one editor’s Duck Hunt incident. It was a list of helpful to-do’s if you find yourself accosted by a “colorful local.” The HR-revised verbiage was so politically correct that I simply have to share!

We recognize that working in a dynamic city like Hollywood can present a number of challenges, and even more opportunities in a city where the sidewalks themselves are a tourist destination. Walking between our buildings can be an experience, with the road construction, homeless people, sidewalk vendors, crosswalk re-paintings, tourists, buses and limos. This diversity makes our workplace interesting, and we offer the following reminders.

Should you ever feel that you are in immediate jeopardy, dial 9-1-1 and immediately protect yourself. Actions could include seeking assistance inside a business, going to a local police station or asking other people in the area for help. The company does not, however, condone the use of weaponry, violence and/or lethal force in protecting oneself.

No weaponry, violence and/or lethal force?! What they’re saying is that if a streetwalker goes all Duck Dynasty on your minimum wage ass, you should run into the a smoke shop and beg for sanctuary rather than drop kick them in the stomach and make them bite the curb? OK, I’m right on top of that, Rose!

When asked if the above email made our source feel any safer, she responded, “Honestly, I work in television! I am uncomfortable all day, everyday in the office. I think some people in our talent department are crazier than the homeless people on the street!”

Truer words have never been uttered in this town of tinsel.

Not Enough Candles for Angelyne?

I love lending a friendly ear—truly, I do—so if you’ve got some kvetching to do, drop me a line, just like longtime reader “Bill V,” who had this to say regarding Frontiers’ April 17 issue:

I have never written to Frontiers, and since you are my favorite column, I had to vent to you. I just got home from Food 4 Less with my box of Little Debbie Swiss Rolls and planned to enjoy my Friday night and look at Frontiers. I am over 50, and that’s my life. Then I read the article about Angelyne and her claiming to be born in 1962, the year Marilyn Monroe died. She cannot get away with that lie! Maybe 1952. Thank you, and remember, you will be over 50 one day, too.

Oh, Bill. Silly, silly Bill. No one in this City of Superficial Angels hits 50. We simply “reclaim” our 49th year again ... and again ... and again ... and again. In the wise words of a 1980s Pantene shampoo commercial, don’t hate Angelyne because she’s beautiful!