“Lemme tell you, everybody just relax.  Everybody is either a w*p,a n****r, a k*ke, a ch**k, a fairy, a m**k. Everybody's something. So why don’t we all calm down? Be thankful that we’re all living in America and stop, everybody, getting so damn uptight. And this goes for the Indians—both dot and feather.”

—Joan Rivers defends Alec Baldwin’s alleged use of an anti-gay slur against a cameraman.

Just before this column went out came word of the tragic death of Paul Walker. The actor had attended an afternoon car show and toy drive to benefit victims of the typhoon in the Philippines organized by Reach Out Worldwide, a nonprofit organization he founded in response to the earthquakes in Haiti. After the show, Walker went for a ride with his friend, pro-racer Roger Rodas, when their Porsche hit a tree and immediately burst into flames. I can confirm that Walker was really one of the good guys—someone who always did what was in his heart without much interest in fame or fortune. He was beautiful inside and out. Rest in peace.

Did you know we just celebrated a milestone? It was 10 years ago that Massachusetts legalized gay marriage, becoming the first state in the union to do so. Since then, the world hasn’t come to an end, a plague hasn’t befallen us, and nary a locust has been spotted. Although I suspect the unexpected rise of the House of Kardashian was something not even Nostradamus could have predicted.

After being wooed by numerous networks, Anderson Cooper just signed a new contract with CNN that locks him in through the 2016 presidential election. In addition to his nightly show, AC360, he’ll continue to be a roving reporter for the network. The new contract also allows him to continue as a contributor to 60 Minutes. There was one clause in this new contract that sounds like Cooper could very well attempt a new daytime talk show for CNN. Could this be the hush-hush project he and Kathy Griffin shot a pilot for a few months ago? Maybe we’ll find out during the dynamic duo’s New Year’s Eve special.

By the time you read this, I’ll be winging back to Los Angeles for a brief stay. Yes, even from the brink of death I can bounce back if there’s something good going on. I have quite a week ahead of me. The Pasadena Playhouse is continuing its “Panto at the Playhouse” series with Aladdin and his Winter Wish. I remember seeing Aladdin at the Old Vic in 2004 with Sir Ian McKellen as the outrageous Widow Twankey. This time around, the role will be assumed by the larger-than-life Bruce Vilanch. The last time I saw it in London, the guest star playing the Genie of the Lamp was Pamela Anderson, who is larger-than-life in her own way.

Someone who makes every season just a bit brighter is the effervescent Leslie Jordan (whose proposed Doritos Super Bowl commercial—written by twins Gary and Larry Lane—is a hoot and a half). Leslie’s new show, Show Pony, will be at the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center Dec. 12-15. You won’t want to miss that.

And now it’s time for my favorite feature of the year—Billy’s Holiday Gift Giving Suggestions! Each week until the end of the year, I will share some of my favorite things that could help make someone’s holiday bright (unless they are Jewish, in which case “Happy Thanksgiving” will suffice. I think my devotion to Faye Dunaway and Mommie Dearest are well-documented. It may make Dunaway cringe, but it’s a portrayal that is considered infamous. Helping cement it as a classic is something being called the Mommie Dearest Official Collectible Doll Gift Set. The doll comes with two classic looks—the “Don’t fuck with me, fellas” outfit from the Pepsi boardroom, and the nightgown from “No wire hangers, ever!” complete with wire hanger and a second head where the face is covered with faux cold cream! It also comes with a certificate of authenticity signed by Dunaway (OK, I made that last part up). It’s a bit pricey, but I can’t imagine anything making a true fan happier—except perhaps a subscription to BillyMasters.com.

One of my favorite comedians is Christopher Titus. This past year, Titus toured the country working on a new show. While I played an extremely minor role in its development, I must say there are fewer things I’m prouder of. An abbreviated cut of Voice in My Head aired on Comedy Central, but the full-length show (over twice as long) is available on Amazon.com. Better yet, get all five of his specials at ChristopherTitus.com.

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from Jarrod in Chicago: “Have you been watching Dracula? Love all the homoerotic subtext, but hate that they killed off the gay couple.”

I must confess that I’m shocked—someone other than me is watching Dracula? While I always enjoy seeing Jonathan Rhys-Meyers, this is pretty painful to sit through ... and I’m still on medication! I had far more fun with Johnny in the men’s room at the Golden Globes a few years ago, but that’s another story. Back to Dracula, the gay aspect is intriguing. At a certain point, Dracula wants to get control of someone’s stock in a company. He surprises the guy and his male lover at an underground gay club, giving us perhaps the first dramatization of queer nightlife in Victorian England, complete with dancing male couples and a drag show! The lovers themselves are quite a fetching pair—Lewis Rainer (28 years old) as the young ward of Anthony Howell (42). While I don’t know anything about their personal lives, neither man seems to have any problem with same-sex kissing (Lewis even gets to kiss Rhys-Meyers). Both fellas also sport quite fetching physiques, even given their limited screen time. I’ll share some choice bits on BillyMasters.com.

By the by, Dracula was developed as a limited 10-episode run. When Rhys-Meyers was cast, NBC head honcho Bob Greenblatt insisted that his estimated $100K salary per episode (doing some quick math, that equals a cool mil) be “deferred” until all 10 episodes were in the can. Why? Greenblatt was running Showtime during the filming of The Tudors, which suffered extensive delays due to Rhys-Meyers’ “unreliability.” Incidentally, all actors are under contract for subsequent seasons, should they be warranted.

Lastly, we hear the Peters Twins have broken up. This would be Elijah and Milo Peters, the twins who have been doing gay porn for Bel Ami. And we hear it was quelle drama—or however you’d say it in Bratislavan. The company didn’t renew their contract once they discovered that one of the twins did a bisexual scene for a rival website. At least that’s the official reason. It probably didn’t help that various U.S. law enforcement agencies were investigating the site because the footage violates most states’ incest laws. Bel Ami didn’t need that headache, so the Peters peters were deleted tout de suite. Since then, Milo has made the most buzz. First came reports that he has a girlfriend who also ‘models.’ Then up popped an escorting profile (which is a no-no while working for Bel Ami) where he lists himself as bisexual but offers his services to other men with this charming phrase: “I’m for every fun.” I bet he is! As for Elijah, we hear he has reunited with the rest of his family—sans twin. This means that for the time being my baby Bobby Clark remains the luckiest man alive, as you’ll see on BillyMasters.com.

When brothers who play together don’t stay together, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Not the most festive way to end a column, but between Jonathan Rhys-Meyers and the Peters Twins, it’s hot enough to thaw out any winter wonderland. You know what else will make your days merry and bright? Checking out BillyMasters.com, the site that has more hanging balls than the tree at Rockefeller Center! Regarding anything else hung, you can inquire within via [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Faye endorses the Mommie Dearest doll! Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.