“The only way this film could be made worse would be to be eaten by a badger while watching it.”

—This lead from a review in London’s The Guardian for A Winter’s Tale (released in the UK as A New York Winter’s Tale). Perhaps the best line from a review of a film ever! Prior to this, my favorite quote was when Rex Reed described the love scene in Titanic as reminding him of a chihuahua trying to mount a golden retriever!

Having surgery is the easy part. Recuperating is a bitch. Rather than keep bitching, I left the snowiest Boston since I was a tyke and headed south to the Billy Masters Beach House in Fort Lauderdale. Ostensibly I was there to rest, recover and partake of at least three of four S’s—sun, sand, sea and sex. I managed all four, thank you very much.

WANTED: SAM HARRIS

The highlight of the trip was seeing Sam Harris’ latest show, a theatrical endeavor borne from his memoirs, Ham: Slices of a Life. This hybrid literary-musical (or, as he calls it, a “Liter-Usical”) is a journey through some of the high and low points in his life, both professionally and personally. Along the way, Harris sings a number of songs with a voice that, if anything, has become richer and fuller with time. It doesn’t hurt that he looks better than ever and is in enviable shape physically. Although he’s on the other side of 50, he sports a tight, taut physique that would put most people in their 40s (or even 30s) to shame. He’s like a singing version of Olga Korbut!

More than a decade ago, I waxed rhapsodically after one of his shows and summed it up by saying, “If I were to ever write a personals ad, it would simply say, ‘Wanted: Sam Harris’—period. I can’t think of another man who would be more perfect.” That still holds true. After spending countless hours with Sam over the years, he never ceases to amaze and inspire me. He now conjures up another emotion—envy. I no longer would be simply happy being with Sam Harris; I wish I were Sam Harris. Admittedly, he’s slightly cuter, slightly more talented, slightly older than moi, but that’s a pay-off I’d be willing to make. Definitely make the trip to see him if he’s anywhere in your locale. In the meantime, pick up his memoir.

ART IMITATES LIFE

For years we’ve been hearing that Lea Michele is this close to appearing in Funny Girl. Of course, most of those rumors were spread by Lea Michele herself. (A girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do.) And she may have the last laugh. She’s always had a strong ally in Ryan Murphy, who also seems to have recurring dreams of Michele as Fanny Brice—even if it means having her lip-synching her way through the score on Glee. It was hoped that this campaign would win her the role in the Broadway revival back in 2011. But the producers went with Lauren Ambrose, and subsequently squelched the idea entirely. End of story, right? Wrong. Lea just did an interview with best friend Jonathan Groff for Teen Vogue (I’ll pause to allow you to take in the ridiculousness of that statement) and said, “I would love to go back to Broadway. Ryan Murphy just got the rights to Funny Girl, so we’re hoping to do that at some point.” I’m told that these plans would coincide with her Glee character starring in the show. I’m not sure if this is art imitating life, life imitating art or just Lea imitating Barbra!

‘THE NORMAL HEART’ PART 2?

Many of you have been asking for details regarding the film version of The Normal Heart. Like the multi-award-winning flick Behind the Candelabra, HBO plans to air this movie in May. I’m told that Ryan Murphy’s adaptation will be coupled with a documentary about Larry Kramer, which is being finalized as we speak. Not only that, but I also hear that HBO has asked Kramer for a sequel! Since many people have been curious about the continuing story of the characters, Larry has taken pen to paper to work on a follow-up. Although he is writing this specifically as a television script, he’s also planning to adapt it for the stage.

WHO’S THAT NUDE?

Quite a few of you have asked about the nude cover model on UK gay mag Attitude. That would be sexy Philip Olivier. The stunning 33-year-old soap actor has often posed nude or near nude in the past, including his wildly popular annual erotic calendars. (Like him, they make great stocking stuffers.) Olivier candidly says, “I keep fit and I keep trim, not only for my health but because it’s a very lucrative business. There must be more than 10 jobs that I’ve gotten because of my body.” However, he’s smart enough to know that his shelf-life as a pinup will soon come to an end (hence this new sizzling 12-page pictorial). “I’ll probably do one last calendar for 2015. It’s hard work doing all that training, and you’ve got the new boys coming along.” I think Olivier can more than hold his own. In fact, you’ll all want to hold his own once you see it on BillyMasters.com.

ASK BILLY: SELFIE DRAMA

This leads brilliantly into our “Ask Billy” question. Randy in Key West asks, “What can you tell me about Alex Minsky, that mega-hot, tattooed daddy of a model? I’m looking for nude photos, but I hear they’ve been banned.”

You and everyone else! When the former Marine lost his right leg in Afghanistan, he also lost hope. He suffered numerous other injuries, was in a coma for two months and spent a year and a half in various medical facilities before being honorably discharged and receiving the Purple Heart. Once he was a civilian, the only things he felt he could do was work on his body and stay healthy. At the gym, he was asked if he’d be interested in modeling. When recounting the story, he tends to make the same semi-homophobic statement: “At first I thought it was just another gay guy hitting on me.”

He might as well get used to that, as his scantily clad images are earning scores of gay fans. He’s just been named an exclusive model for Jack Adams Underwear—a brand I’ve never heard of before but I suspect we’ll be seeing more of. Oh, and as for those nude photos, apparently Minsky took some selfies that somehow made their way into our hot little hands. While he’s perfectly proportioned in his natural state, he seemingly sprouts another leg when aroused. You can see for yourself on BillyMasters.com.

When I’d give an arm and a leg to be Sam Harris, it’s time to end yet another column. While I catch my breath, let me remind you to check out BillyMasters.com, the site that always has the heat on high. If you have a question for me, send it along to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Alex does a photo shoot with Paul McCartney’s ex-wife! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.