There are times when we open ourselves up and try to empathize and have compassion for others. We strive to be a loyal, good friend out of the desire to build authentic relationships that can last and grow. Likewise, we want to trust people and know that they care for us as much as we care for them. However, in most cases, that’s not the way it goes. It’s not because we did anything wrong—rather, it’s caused by our desire for that person to be in the same place we are in our evolution. Unfortunately, some people don’t want to be where we are—they like where they are.

Many of us believe in our hearts that we can help others change and live a better life. Deep down, we know that they, too, can be a little happier, think better of themselves and make choices that lead them to greater possibilities. Such a beautiful dream, isn’t it? But it’s just that—a dream. I’m not saying that we can’t help others, but the real question is, who are we helping and why are we helping them? An even bigger question is, do they want our help and do they care?

We spend so much time immersed in painful situations with people we think we can help or change. During that process, we end up absorbing their darkness. Not because we want to, but because we have to! The moment we allow darkness in, we will, on some level, be affected by it. We literally step down into the mud to help another out, and in doing so, we get dirty. The reason for this is because the other person wants to stay in the mud. So we struggle with them and with ourselves, because we know we should not be rolling around in their mud.

I’m not saying we shouldn’t help others, but we must be discerning. We need to really pay attention to whether or not others really want to grow and evolve. If they don’t, we have to move on—to protect ourselves and support those who do want to grow and move into a higher state of possibility. That way, we won’t wonder, “How could they do this to me after all I did for them?” or “I am such a good person, how could they treat me that way?”

The only way you can allow dark energy to hurt you is when you’re not protecting and loving yourself. We only do this because we want to be loved and to transcend consciousness—we want to make a difference. Yet letting dark energy in will not allow you to do this—some people like to be nasty, mean, thoughtless and cruel. They get a high from it. The darkness actually feeds them and gives them a sense of control and power. It’s not for us to take them away from that which they love. However, we should stay the hell out of their lives and get as far away as possible!

Don’t be a victim! Be strong! Align yourself with what’s good. Surround yourself with those who love you. When you are a good, loyal friend, the love will always come back. Sometimes, more than you ever thought it would.

Many ask me how to tell the difference between the dark and those who seek the light. It’s simple and gets easier with time and practice. Here’s what to look for: when someone does something wrong to you, do they seek to return to love and friendship? Are they remorseful? Not just in words—but through their actions? Words are like the wind. A very wise person taught me that actions are the only thing that matter (thanks, Hank).

If someone does something to you more than two or three times, and because of their gift of gab you keep letting them back in, chances are they’re dark at this point in their life. You need to raise the bar of value and move the heck on. Let’s all be in the light. Follow me on Twitter at Shaman Durek or check me out on ShamanDurek.com for more insightful tips.