“Don’t you know lots of people like that? I do. I’ve seen those little girlie boys from Thailand—they’re quite fabulous.”
—Sharon Osbourne tells Arsenio Hall about her experiences with people having both male and female genitalia.
I, Billy Masters, being of relatively sound mind and having body fat in the mid-teens, declare this my last will and testament. Yes, this could very well be the last column you read from me. Not because I want to stop writing to you, Lord knows, but because I could die on the operating table. For the first time ever, I am going under the knife. One would think my maiden surgery would be something completely elective to enhance my slightly fading beauty. But like Joan Collins, I am much more afraid of surgery than I am of growing older. No, this surgery is one that is far from elective but also far from fatal. On the other hand, my surgeon did just point out to me that there are “no guarantees,” so I’d better make this column a good one … just in case.
Let’s start with what I think is an important topic. I’ve seen Jack Andraka featured on both 60 Minutes and The View. He’s the 16-year-old scientist who has come up with a way to detect pancreatic, lung and ovarian cancer that costs three cents and takes five minutes to run. (This means it is 168 times faster and 26,000 times less expensive than the current test.) Why am I bringing this up? Because he’s also gay! I’m not outing him—he’s openly gay. In fact, it’s the first thing he brings up in an online interview. “Being an LGBT teen in science right now is kinda lonely. Looking around at scientists it’s like, wow, there are no other gay people. And I’m like, ‘Come on, guys—science. We can go outside of, like, fashion design and stuff. It doesn’t matter who you like, what gender you are, where you come from—none of that matters. It’s just your ideas that should count.’” An insider at 60 Minutes told me, “We didn’t mention he was gay because it wasn’t relevant to the story, and it might have turned some people off.” Shame on you, 60 Minutes. LGBT teens like Jack Andraka make me feel like the world is in pretty good hands.
I’m thankful to not be Alec Baldwin, because yet again the actor finds himself embroiled in a scandal. Last week he was filmed calling a photographer a “cocksucking fag” (although Baldwin claims what he actually called the guy was a “cocksucking fathead”). As typically follows a Baldwin outburst, he issued an apology: “I did not intend to hurt or offend anyone with my choice of words, but clearly I have—and for that I am deeply sorry.” I once made an apology like that. I said to a dear friend, “I didn’t do anything wrong, but obviously it hurt your feelings, so I’m sorry for that.” It’s a way of apologizing without taking any responsibility. You’re actually telling the offended person to just get over it.
In short order, MSNBC pulled Baldwin’s Up Late chat show from the schedule for two weeks. Around the same time, someone from GLAAD pointed out the term “cocksucker” is an anti-gay slur (which I’m sure is news to Chloë Sevigny). And, because he hates to be left out, Anderson Cooper weighed in via Twitter: “Wow, Alec Baldwin shows his true colors yet again. How is he going to lie and excuse his anti-gay slurs this time? Just read Alec Baldwin’s latest excuses. They are actually so ridiculous they are funny.”
But Alec had a trump card up his sleeve. The next day he arranged a photo-op in front of the salon of his openly gay hairdresser, presumably to prove that he has gay friends (who, one assumes, are cocksuckers). Nick Berrios told TMZ, “I don’t think he’s homophobic. I don’t at all. Whenever he is in here, we are always talking and cutting hair. He booked an appointment for today, he always does and he is a good tipper. He has a very big gay following. We love him more now. We always love a drama-filled story.” To say nothing of a good tipper.
Then there’s the Murder, She Wrote reboot being prepped for Oscar-winner Octavia Spencer. When this project was announced, the powers-that-be hoped to somehow involve Angela Lansbury—likely an idea cultivated to get the blessing of the original Jessica Fletcher. Alas, not only did Angie decline the invitation, she condemned the entire venture. “I’m sorry that they have to use the title Murder, She Wrote, even though they have access to it and it’s their right. I think it’s a mistake.” When asked about Spencer, she said, “I saw her in The Help and thought she was absolutely wonderful, a lovely actress. So I wish her well, but I wish it wasn’t in Murder, She Wrote.” Intriguingly enough, Lansbury’s words carried quite a bit of weight. I’m told the producers are considering changing the title and the name of the character if Lansbury would reconsider her involvement—something I’m told she’s actually toying with.
Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres and Anne Heche are back together? Well, not really … but kinda. Both are developing sitcoms for NBC. As I previously reported, Ellen’s show is about a lesbian who is impregnated by her best friend. Heche’s is about a sales manager at a department store beauty counter who tries to find love with the help of her co-workers and her opinionated sister. I say let’s put them both together—Heche could play the single, pregnant, lesbian sales manager at a beauty counter who is trying to find love with the help of her opinionated sister, her co-workers and her married male best friend who impregnated her. I smell an Emmy.
In the never-ending quest to find a television project for Cheyenne Jackson, there are two pilots he’s attached to (three if you count the one from Delta). Jackson has been added to the cast of an Alicia Silverstone pilot for Lifetime called HR, where she plays the director of a human resources department. This is a guest role that could become recurring. It would be a reunion for Jackson and Silverstone, who co-starred in the short-lived Broadway play The Performers, where Jackson played a porn star. Jackson has also been cast in Ryan Murphy’s pilot for HBO called Open, which is about a group of five friends played by Michelle Monaghan, Scott Speedman, Wes Bentley, Anna Torv and Jennifer Jason Leigh. Jackson’s role is described as a “handsome meth addict.” Hmmm … that could explain the video of him masturbating on
BillyMasters.com. He was doing research.
This week our “Ask Billy” question comes in the form of a Could it be? item from a longtime reader. Karl in Maine writes, “Could it be that the subject of your most notorious blind items revealed himself on a sitcom this week? It sure looked like him—and for a guy of a certain age, his body definition shows he’s still trimming the fat.”
You’ve certainly said a mouthful, Karl. While I was surprised to see him in this role, I believe the art was imitating life when the script says he seems to want us to watch. And since a picture is worth a thousand words, we’ll deliver a couple grand to you courtesy of BillyMasters.com.
When I’ve survived a question, a blind item and a surgery, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. While I’m enjoying the buzz provided by my narcotics, the best medicine is always to check out BillyMasters.com, the site that will never put you out. Even heavily medicated, I’m always here for your queries. So send them along to Billy@
BillyMasters.com and I promise to get back to you before Alec Baldwin shows us what’s in his wallet. Until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.