COLUMNS / BILLY MASTERS

2013 Round Up, JT Loses His Cool, Dylan Bares All
Billy Masters
1/7/2014

“The movie didn’t do well at the box office, so I should quit? Hold on a second. If I was somebody else, you wouldn’t have said that. I have the number one album this week, and I shouldn’t have released it? Come on, man. You sound like a dickhead.”

—Justin Timberlake responds to criticism regarding the film Runner Runner and his CD, The 20/20 Experience: 2 of 2. You know what they say—if you can’t take the heat … do a musical on live TV.

I was shocked to read a recent headline stating that Pope Franny was campaigning against me. Me, America’s most beloved gay gossip columnist! Now, admittedly, Time magazine’s Person of the Year didn’t say, “Stay away from Billy Masters—he’s the devil.” The headline actually said, “Pope warns against mediocrity and gossip in the Vatican”—at the end of a year when I had done no less than three stories about mediocrity in the Vatican! This condemnation took place during the Christmas gathering of the Vatican Curia, which I believe is kinda like an Italian Tupperware party. During his address, Franny said, “There is a slow drift downward towards mediocrity that fills us with trite and lifeless information.” I don’t know who is more insulted by this—me or Kim Kardashian! In case he didn’t make his point, he added, “We must exercise a conscientious objection to gossip.” I guess he won’t be renewing his subscription to BillyMasters.com.

Despite all of this, I must say I like Pope Francis. Yes, he’s stuck within the workings of the Catholic Church, but he’s sure pushing the limits. For instance, last month he summoned Jack Andraka to the Vatican. Who is Jack? He’s the 16-year-old scientist who discovered a way to detect various cancers within five minutes with a test that only costs three cents. And, oh yes, he’s gay! Well, gay or not, the pope recognized this prodigious pup and gave him an award. As Andraka said, “It’s really amazing to be recognized by the Vatican—especially as a gay scientist.” Indeed, it is. But if I were the pope, I’d sleep with one eye open. Remember what they did to the last pope who rocked the boat.

The Bible made quite a comeback this year, thanks to a mega-successful miniseries on the History Channel produced by Mark Burnett and his wife, Roma Downey Jr. It was such a ratings blockbuster, a real network has ordered a sequel. How do you top Jesus rising from the dead? Follow some nutty American to look for golden plates? Talk to aliens via Tom Cruise? NBC Entertainment president Jennifer Salke says, “You might think the story is over at the crucifixion, but as most of the world knows, that was only the beginning.” I’d compare it to The Osmonds: Second Generation—in theory, just as much fun as their uncles. But are they really?

It may be the beginning of 2014, but I want to look back at a few of the big stories from 2013—and perhaps update a few of them. The biggest story of the year was the Supreme Court striking down Prop. 8 and California resuming gay marriages. Making the situation even more historic, Ruth Bader Ginsburg was the first Supreme Court justice to officiate a gay wedding. While all of that was monumental, more far-reaching was the court’s ruling that the Defense of Marriage Act was unconstitutional. This led the way for many states to legalize same-sex marriage. To date, 18 states and the District of Columbia allow same-sex marriage. If I can be so bold as to make a prediction, I believe gay marriage will be legalized on a federal level within five years—perhaps as soon as Obama’s last months in office.

As the year drew to a close, Dot-Marie Jones from Glee surprised guests at her Christmas party by announcing that they were really there to witness her marriage to girlfriend Bridgett Casteen. The two got engaged in October while visiting Disneyland during the annual Gay Days Anaheim celebrations.

In 2012, another Glee castmate got married—Jane Lynch married girlfriend Lara Embry. Last year, the couple split up. Rumors of Lynch’s desire for a quickie divorce were thwarted when Lara filed for $93,809 per month in spousal support. Since the twosome didn’t have a prenup and married in California, this is a sticky situation.

Speaking of sticky situations, Cheyenne Jackson found himself in one this past year. In 2012, he married longtime beau Monte Lapka. Less than a year later, they divorced. Shortly thereafter, a video of Jackson “pleasuring himself” to completion was … um, leaked (and can be seen at BillyMasters.com). Reportedly the dashing singer was sending the video out to a West Coast paramour. Next time, might I suggest Skype? And some Handi Wipes?

This kinda leads into our first “Ask Billy” question of the year. Rolf, who is allegedly in Sweden, asks, “What do you know about these nude photos of Dylan Sprouse? Are they real? Does he actually show his penis?”

First I had to figure out, who is Dylan Sprouse? I mean, who do I look like, an Oscar-winning writer? Dylan was one of the two brothers who were on the Disney Channel show The Suite Life of Zack and Cody (which eventually moved onto a ship). Apparently he was Zack … or was it Cody? Anyway, he’s now a 21-year-old student at NYU studying video game development. He caused a bit of a kerfuffle recently when a couple of racy selfies surfaced online. One had him flexing in a mirror, while the second found him completely nude but cupping his genitals. (Well, maybe half a cup.) Dylan Tweeted, “Whoops, guess I’m not 14 and fat anymore.” Of course, his twin brother entered the fray by saying, “Cold in that bathroom, huh?” Ah, brotherly love. Anyway, Dylan later addressed the issue directly: “The reason I’m making light of the situation is because I don’t think what I did was wrong. To be blunt, I was proud of my progress in the gym, thought I looked hot, and wanted to share it. The real problem here was not me sending my pictures to someone, but rather, sending them to the wrong someone.” While that wrong someone was not moi, I’m not above posting them—along with two others that have been heretofore squelched, but are far more explicit (if they are real) on BillyMasters.com.

It may be weeks away, but the upcoming Sochi Olympics are poised to be the most scandalous event of 2014. Even Jay Leno seems to think so. During an interview with Meredith Vieira, he said, “I don’t know how it’s different from … I mean, this is how it started in Nazi Germany. ‘Oh, the Jews? Just put them over here.’ It just makes me uncomfortable.”

Then we heard that President Obama, Michelle Obama and Joe Biden will not be attending the Sochi Games. Instead, Obama has selected a presidential delegation, which will include a number of openly gay athletes, such as Billie Jean King, Caitlin Cahow and Brian Boitano.

Just weeks ago, a reader asked me if Brian Boitano really thought anyone believed he was straight. At the time, I said that having a series on the Food Network, making a cameo in Blades of Glory and doing a television special called Brian Boitano Skating Spectacular with Barry Manilow was tantamount to coming out. And now he’s actually done so. Shortly after his appointment to the Presidential Delegation to the Olympics, Brian issued the following statement: “I am many things: a son, a brother, an uncle, a friend, an athlete, a cook, an author, and being gay is just one part of who I am.” One small step for man….

When Brian Boitano being gay is news, we’ve definitely come to the end of yet another column. What a fun way to kick off the year. We even threw in some celebrity penises. And they’re all available to you at BillyMasters.com, the site that never skimps on skin. As you know, I’m always available to answer your questions. Just drop a note to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before the pope sends in an “Ask Billy” question of his own! So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.


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