COLUMNS / BILLY MASTERS

Becks Isn’t Bashful, Liza’s Big Bet, & Aaron’s Sense of Style,
Billy Masters
1/20/2014

“And, honey, if you don’t win the Academy Award, I’m giving you mine!”
—Liza Minnelli makes an offer to Matthew McConaughey at a New York luncheon toasting Dallas Buyers Club. If the Golden Globes are any indication, Liza’s Oscar is safe.

First, a public service announcement. A group of scientists have discovered that semen can cure depression. Apparently the milky liquid contains a chemical that elevates mood, induces affection and causes sleep. Strangely, the study only cites the benefits for women ingesting semen. What about men? Are these scientists completely excluding the possibility of men out there who enjoy the odd shot of semen? Semen—it’s not just for women anymore.

Perhaps depression is rampant at the Vatican. That might explain why a member of the Pope’s Swiss Guard was propositioned for gay sex on numerous occasions. And who propositioned him? Allegedly, his suitors included cardinals, bishops, priests and a dignitary close to John Paul II! In his recollections, this unnamed former guard claims such sexually charged incidents as a late-night invitation to the room of a senior official, a complimentary bottle of whiskey and suggestive note (probably in Latin) left in his room by a visiting bishop, a bit of unsolicited fondling from another official and a priest inviting him to dinner, saying he’d like to have this guard for dessert! My God, I get less action in West Hollywood!

Closer to home, claims have surfaced of a gay witch hunt during the heyday of American Bandstand. Two dancers on the show allege that Dick Clark and the producers were trying to “purge gays from the ranks” of dancers. Yes, I know what you’re thinking—there were only two gay dancers? They’re the only two who have come forward (and are still alive)! According to Frank Brancaccio and Eddie Kelly, the producers would regularly frequent gay bars in Philadelphia for the sole purpose of seeing if any of the show’s dancers were there. Yeah, that’s why men working on a teen dance show were in gay bars—for professional purposes only. The duo claims that if you were caught in such a place—or even “looked gay”—you’d be given the axe. You know what this means? John Travolta would never have made it past dress rehearsal!


Needless to say, things have changed considerably. For instance, David Beckham not only is happy to be a gay pinup—he’d like to do it again. When a reporter asked if he regretted a risqué photo shoot in 2002 for the UK’s premier gay publication, Beckham said, “I had no problem posing for Attitude then, and I would have no problem now. I know that some people thought it was controversial, but I was just being myself.”

The internet is all abuzz about ABC newsmen David Muir and Gio Benitez. You all know who Muir is—formerly a reporter in Syracuse and Boston, he’s perhaps been enhanced by some facial reconstructive surgery and is extremely cagey about his personal life (to say nothing of a wide stance, which leans to the left). Benitez is from Miami, where he made a name for himself as a reporter. He was also somewhat active in the gay community. Neither of these men are openly gay but have been linked together after a series of coincidental appearances on ABC World News. Eagle-eyed viewers claim that Benitez usually files his reports to Diane Sawyer from the field. But when Muir fills in as anchor, Benitez miraculously appears in the studio. Coincidence? Benitez recently said that Muir is one of his top three “golden followers” on Twitter. And unlike Muir, Benitez has no problem being seen in gay bars. In fact, a very hot model named Pablo Hernandez posted a photo with Benitez at WeHo hot spot Eleven. Photos of the pair to follow on BillyMasters.com.

You’d think a U.S. Congressman could have a hot, shaved body, wear a turquoise belt, package-fitting plaid pants and a pink shirt and not cause a kerfuffle. But, no, apparently not. Despite numerous photo spreads spotlighting his fantastic physique, his penchant for body-conscious fashion and his fascination with footwear, Aaron Schock has gone to great pains to assert his heterosexuality. Alas, he’s once again the target of gay scuttlebutt. CBS News’ Itay Hod posted quite a diatribe on Facebook. “Here’s a hypothetical: what if you know a certain GOP congressman, let’s just say from Illinois, is gay … and you know this because one of your friends, a journalist for a reputable network, told you in no uncertain terms that he caught that GOP congressman and his male roommate in the shower together. Now, they could have been good friends just trying to conserve water. But there’s more.” Since I want to conserve space, you can read the “more” on BillyMasters.com.

Since I was in L.A. for the Golden Globes, I was able to see the fantastic Laura Benanti at the Catalina Bar and Grill in Hollywood. Under the auspices of Chris Isaacson and Upright Cabaret, the show was sold-out within days of the announcement. A second show was quickly added—and just as quickly sold out. While Hollywood is buzzing about Benanti’s luminous turn as Baroness Schrader in The Sound of Music: Live, she’s been mighty busy on Broadway (I’ve seen her in Gypsy, Nine, Into the Woods and Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown). Personally, I find her one of the most versatile and talented actresses around. In fact, I loved every one of her failed television shows—and that’s saying something, because there are so few successful shows I enjoy! Her cabaret show is a perfect mix of Broadway, pop and folk numbers, with delightfully engaging stories peppered in along the way. If she isn’t performing near you, I definitely recommend buying her new album, In Constant Search of the Right Kind of Attention. The title was suggested from her former Go On co-star Matthew Perry.

As to the Golden Globes, the most memorable moments of my evening were cozying up to Kevin Bacon and Rob Lowe. Now, I realize that these would be big “gets” if this were 1985, but I was in heaven. OK, perhaps it was ungallant to virtually knock Kyra Sedgwick over to get to Bacon, but this is survival of the fittest. I had a fabulous reunion with the always adorable Nikki Blonsky. As I was attempting to get close to the vivacious Sofia Vergara (who angrily extinguished her boyfriend’s cigarette), I was intercepted by someone who looked remarkably like Kim Jong-un. Instead, I spent time dishing with the always-lovely Kathy Hilton while trying to figure out what Mike Tyson and Dame Helen Mirren were chatting about à deux. You can check out the photos on BillyMasters.com.

Our “Ask Billy” question comes from George in New Jersey: “I know Stephen Amell [the lead on Arrow] is straight and married. But he’s also so gay-friendly and gorgeous, I can’t help but love him. I recently came across the attached photo and I swear I can see his penis. What do you think? Could you investigate? Please?”

I have to confess that I was skeptical—especially since the photo in question is one officially sanctioned by Amell. But it looks like the outline of a rather sizeable appendage. Being an occasional stickler for details, I had the photo analyzed by Filth2Go Forensics and I’m pleased to report that they, too, believe this is indeed a rare sighting of the Amell Appendage. We’ll run the enhanced image on BillyMasters.com.

When we’re employing NASA technology for detecting dicks, it’s definitely time to end yet another column. Obviously there’s something for everybody at BillyMasters.com, the site that stimulates your body and mind. If you’d like me to tackle any other part of your body, drop a note to [email protected] and I promise to get back to you before Jackie Bisset finishes her acceptance speech. So, until next time, remember, one man’s filth is another man’s bible.


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