That is the only word that I can use to describe my feeling lately about the possibility of getting married.
That is the immediate word that people use to describe the face I make when I am caught day dreaming about said obsession.
Now for the record, I'm not stalking bakeries "cake tasting" or ripping out the pages from GQ of the tux ill be wearing. Im just deep in thought.
Never in my lifetime did I ever think that getting married would, or could have been part of my life's grand plan.
"I wonder how this could truly change the landscape of how we date and have long term relationships as gay men."
You cannot escape the conversation. Its in the newspaper, on the television, at the water cooler. It's staring every gay man and woman right in the face.
But rather than debate the actual issue of equality (because I naturally think I should be allowed the same right to marry anyway) I again wonder- once given the right to marry, how well we could actually assimilate to this newfound equality.
All my life, all I have ever known to be true is that- as a gay man, I could blissfully date without the pressures of getting married or having kids.
You date, You date longer and that's pretty much it. If your lucky (and both willing to) you buy rings and "commit" to each other. If you are really serious, you become "Domestic Partners" and maybe hold a cute ceremony.
But now, the landscape is changing.
There isn't a day that goes by that I dont interact with lucky gay couples who are engaged, who have married or have had kids. It's like someone has pulled the rug up from under me.
When did all this start happening?
I feel beside myself as I try to digest the fact that maybe- just maybe, marriage may actually be something I must now start thinking about.
It feels like a strange superpower. Like discovering you are ambidextrous- oddly and slowly using a hand that was always there, but now with grand potential and excitement. You immediately want to use that hand for writing all the time, feeling proud of it, feeling amazed, feeling happy.
I immediately begin to think about my straight male counterparts. How do they know when they are ready to settle down and commit to the institution of marriage? What are the rules and can those same rules apply to gay men?
I have a good (straight) friend of mine who always used to tell me I was lucky to be a gay man because I could "Date without pressure". I wasn't bound by the same societal timeline that straight men have.
Am I lucky? Are gay men throwing all their freedom away to subscribe to an institution that doesn't want them anyway?
Or- have we simply lived like kids on the Island of Misfit Toys for too long and must now grow up and face the facts of life and responsibilities of adulthood and the understanding of deeper relationships.
I yield my thoughts to love, to happiness and to wisdom.
Nothing in life brings you such clarity than to learn from the wisdom of the greatest mistakes you have made. Nothing in life is strived for more than happiness. The feeling, the emotion, the destination of your success, the end of ones journey.
And so- with love, nothing should be questioned when you discover that you have come to this point in your life to find a partner who loves you- all of you. To use life's great blessing of wisdom to know that this is where your search ends, that you have found... the one.
A marriage isn't simply about an "institution" or the words "Husband and Wife"- It's more about the declaration of love between two people who have ended their journey as two separate individuals.
A celebration that must be shared and witnessed by other people in their lives who support and cheer them on as they begin a new chapter of their relationship. Maybe they will have kids, who will become doctors, presidents and teachers. Kids who will also bring love and happiness to others in the world.
So you see, marriage has greater ramifications than simply being able to legally wed gay men and women in a union.
It's about the perpetuation of human kind as we know it- and (which is my hope) life with more love and more wisdom and more happiness.
Till Next Blog,
David (Aka Cupid)