Phallic Fraud
Jim Larkins

Despite the $100 million generated annually from phallic-enhancing pharmaceuticals, there is no scientific or medical proof of their effectiveness. Yohimbe, gingko biloba and various other ingredients are the stuff of these penis enlargement pills, and while they may give your pocket rocket a serious boost, there has never been any evidence that they permanently increase penile length or girth.

Remember the creepy Cheshire grin on “Smiling Bob,” the TV commercial mascot for the popular penile supplement Enzyte? Just as Bob seems to have faded into commercial history, so too did any artificial man meat growth of Enzyte customers once the concoction wore off.

But what penis pills don’t accomplish isn’t nearly as disconcerting as what evils lurk in their inert ingredients. A joint analysis venture conducted by Flora Research of California and the University of Maryland has revealed a number of harmful contaminants in various “penis enlargement” pills.

Mold, lead, pesticide residues and E. coli from animal waste are among some of the non-herbal elements that have turned up in some supplements. The lead content of some pills even exceeds the limit set by California’s strict labeling laws for chemicals causing reproductive toxicity. As for E. coli buildup, investigators believe this is the result of animals depositing substantial doses of fecal matter as they graze near herbs that are used as ingredients.

“The real problems are in contamination of the products, mislabeling, misbranding and just the fact that they’re not regulated, so you don’t know what you’re getting,” says Dr. Dana Nelson, a pharmacist in San Luis Obispo, Calif. “There are no clinical trials done on any of these pills, so basically a company can put anything they want in them.”

There doesn’t seem to be much regulation when it comes to internet-based companies that peddle these modern ‘snake oil’ supplements, either. Word has traveled fast among those who prey on the naiveté and desperation of men who seek to wield a mightier sword, and the web is awash with companies promising to make that happen. One company—C.P. Direct, before its collapse in 2002—peddled over $70 million worth of penis enlargement pills called Longitude.

Although corporate spokesmen claimed on their website that the product had gone through scientific testing and reviews from experts, it was later discovered that neither had been conducted. Before the company’s founders were busted for illegally charging customers’ credit cards, more than 350,000 consumers bought bottles of the well-known phallic up-sizer.

In the end, as long as there are those who dream of someday sporting a bigger bulge, there will presumably be companies claiming they possess the magic ingredients to make that dream a reality. 

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