Thank All of You

My son Justice was having trouble sleeping and my husband Houston had forbidden me from giving him sips of brandy to get him to knock out.

Read More

Kid Problems

Like every parent, I have children and with those come other problems.  My oldest son Justice was getting picked on at elementary school and my youngest, Houston Jr., expected me to change his diaper and on top of that even feed him, god!  The only thing that wasn’t a problem was my husband Houston Sr. and that’s because after a long day of work, he would come home and drill me with love. 

I recently started to have body issues again but this time I decided to not have plastic surgery to solve them.  I had a husband who loved me for me and I didn’t need to look young and fit anymore.  Being in my 40s with the stress of parenthood and the joy of foodhood, I began to love food in ways I hadn’t before or had previously accepted within myself.  Food food food.  Have you ever taken taco shells, filled them with ice cream, dipped them in magic shell chocolate, and eaten them one after the other while shooting whipped cream in your mouth crying over reruns of 1980s daytime soap operas till the housecleaning pills kicked in? I have.

Read More


Rule 1) Do not apologize for your first world problems. It is more important to get upset about things that people in other countries will never even get the chance to get upset about rather than suck it up and think ‘well, I’m just lucky to be here.’ You are not lucky, you are alive here instead of over there by coincidence, and your third world made paper cup for your $10 coffee drink just doesn’t fit right with the lid and your precious drink from agrarian cultured people picked beans is now spilling even with the help of that plastic plunger plugging your sippy hole. Read More

Sometimes, One Time and Other Times

Sometimes, we look at ourselves in the mirror and we think ‘what happened to that beautiful little girl?’  I’ll tell you what happened, A) she’s a man, B) she’s old and not little, and C) she’s turned her beautiful years into lock boxes of drug and sex abuse leaving a dried out piece of fruit person that stares in the mirror and wonders further ‘will Botox bring my little girl back, will hyaluronic acid injections do it, the laser, the peels, the knife, how, how do I bring her back?!’ She is no longer.  She is of memory.  She is of other.  ‘Who are you dried fruit face person and what have we become?’ we ask our dried fruit face. 

We open our mouth to answer and say, “I’m still me, I’m still that sunny little girl I am.”

But the noise that comes out of our mouth sounds like: a hurt cat, a dying frog, a drowning bag of puppies, a deranged goat, and another goat but much more deranged than the first.  We close our mouth.  We remain tight lipped.  It’s probably not a good time to speak...  It’s now time to look down at our body, oh wait, bad idea, look back up, wait, that’s the mirror, please look away, okay, that’s better.  Clothes, we’ll cover ourselves with clothes and then look again.  Black slimming clothes.  Play some music.  This song reminds us of when we could really move.  Try it, do that move where you spring forward onto your hands and then back again, and… oh fuck, you’re on the ground now.  You look back at the mirror and see a collapsed pile of sad person and think ‘did I hear something snap?’ it may have been your mind.  A sudden and apparent spiral into complete and utter insanity or a broken wrist, both may be true.

Read More

I Had it All

I wanted it all and I had it all: husband, money, kids, bed modeling fame, friends I could buy or was in the process of buying, neighbors that were blackmailed into accepting gays, and I was still pretty.

“It’s just hard to take you seriously sometimes,” Houston said to me.

“I am seriously!” I exclaimed.

“So let me get this straight,” Houston began, “you want me to pay a sitter $600 so you can run off and make $200 in bed modeling?”

“I know, I was totally surprised that someone my age would make that much money in bed modeling but I’m officially really famous,” I agreed, “I also have longevity in the industry.”

Houston didn’t respond, he just grabbed his travel bag for work and left me in the house without any money for a sitter.  Shock poured all over my body.  I had already agreed to model, I couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this, and I had to figure out what to do with the kids.

Read More