Blogosphere / Way Off Broadway

 

I Had it All

I wanted it all and I had it all: husband, money, kids, bed modeling fame, friends I could buy or was in the process of buying, neighbors that were blackmailed into accepting gays, and I was still pretty.

“It’s just hard to take you seriously sometimes,” Houston said to me.

“I am seriously!” I exclaimed.

“So let me get this straight,” Houston began, “you want me to pay a sitter $600 so you can run off and make $200 in bed modeling?”

“I know, I was totally surprised that someone my age would make that much money in bed modeling but I’m officially really famous,” I agreed, “I also have longevity in the industry.”

Houston didn’t respond, he just grabbed his travel bag for work and left me in the house without any money for a sitter.  Shock poured all over my body.  I had already agreed to model, I couldn’t pass up an opportunity like this, and I had to figure out what to do with the kids.

“Justice, get down here!” I yelled for my oldest son.

“Yes Daddy?” He said after making his way downstairs to me.

“You’re like five, right?” I remarked, “that’s way old enough to babysit your newborn brother Houston Jr. but I’m a little worried that you aren’t ready to take on this responsibility.”

Justice picked his nose and responded, “Yes, I can, I am this many,” he held out both hands and flashed them three times, “I can the alphabet too,” he then confessed that he was secretly his favorite super hero and ran back up the stairs pretending to fly.

That was okay.  As long as Justice knew to tell anybody that came to our door that I was in the shower drinking and I couldn’t come out till I finished shitting myself, he and Houston Jr. would be fine.  I went to my bed modeling gig.  At the mattress store, I ran into a dear old friend that I helped get into the business, his name was Pillow. I named him that a long time ago and the name Pillow has served him well in our industry because it also means pillow.

“Dean, Dean Littner, is that you?” Pillow spoke, “it’s been ages, I heard you got married.”

“Pillow, you look great,” I responded, “yes, I’m married now with kids and I don’t cheat or anything.”

He patted at my cheek and then said, “Props to you, props to you, you know, when you find the right guy, you just gotta be all about them, I mean, I stopped sleeping with my hot friends weeks ago and yesterday I told myself to really stop sleeping with them… the guy I’m dating calls that being exclusive.”

I twisted my face into a series of confused looks, “Exscrewshave?”

“It’s a hard word,” Pillow assured, “but it’s like being married.”

“Ah yes,” I said.

“Yes,” He said.

“Aha.”

“Yah.”

Just then, a customer approached us, “Who the hell do I have to fuck to get one of you whores to sell me a god damned bed in this dump?!”

Two days later, I returned home before Houston returned separately from his work trip.

“Hello, kids I’m home!” I yelled to an eerily quiet house.

After going through every room, I found nobody.  I didn’t understand how my 5 year old and newborn disappeared from the house after being left alone for 2 days, this was crazy.  I went across the street to the neighbor’s and knocked on their door.

“Hi, have you seen my kids?” I asked my neighbor, “I was taking a shower, well, you see, I’m a drunk and actually I made a mess that I had to wash off, ok, I shitted myself if you really must know but I promise I’m a good parent, I just take long showers and my kids ran off, it’s usually fine, this may have been 2 days ago… have you seen them?”

My neighbor paused, looked around for cameras, and then spoke, “You and your gay husband may be blackmailing us into accepting you but just maybe your kids are dead, check the bottom of your pool and pray for their souls because yours are truly lost.”

“Okay then, well, thank you…” I said as the door slammed.

The swimming pool the swimming pool!  Why didn’t I think of that?  On my way to the pool, I received a phone call from my new friend Dennis who I was in the process of buying because he worked admissions at a private school we wanted Justice to go to.

“Hi Dean,” Dennis greeted me on the phone, “so, I went to your house the other day for another one of our friendship payments and Justice told me that you were in the shower making a potty, when I investigated, I found the note you left in the shower that read, ‘if you’ve made it this far, I beg you to take my kids, please cover for me, and I’ll hit you back on Sunday,’ well… it’s Sunday.”

“Thank god!” I cheered, “this has been a frustrating five minutes.”

Dennis dropped off the kids, I gave him the $200 that I made from my bed modeling, and when Houston got home later that night, we made violent passionate love.  Yes, I truly had it all.

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