Rule 1) Do not apologize for your first world problems.  It is more important to get upset about things that people in other countries will never even get the chance to get upset about rather than suck it up and think ‘well, I’m just lucky to be here.’ You are not lucky, you are alive here instead of over there by coincidence, and your third world made paper cup for your $10 coffee drink just doesn’t fit right with the lid and your precious drink from agrarian cultured people picked beans is now spilling even with the help of that plastic plunger plugging your sippy hole.  This is a huge problem!  Who cares if you are in a first world country while having this coffee spilling crisis, it’s still a first class crisis, treat it that way…

Rule 2) Sex should always be monetized.  I know it doesn’t sound sexy but this is how you find out how old or unattractive you are.  If you are able to get a lot of money for sex, you are probably young and cute and deserve it (save the cash for later because you’re gonna need it if you live…).  If you only get a few dollars, you may NOT be cute or may be getting older but NOT totally old and UNcute.  If you don’t get any money at all and still you are begging for change to offer yourself in every way possible to someone, this allows you to know that the roles have reversed and it is now time to start paying for sex.

Rule 3) Have at least one emotional eruption every year.  This is a lot harder than you think because life could be going really good all year and maybe then there’s no reason to freak out but you absolutely should.  There must be some pain you haven’t dealt with.  There must be some sadness you are pushing deeper into your soul.  Instead of being polite and keeping it to yourself, you need to lose your shit!  For example, I may be opening the front door for someone to be gentlemanly but they just don’t walk through.

Holding open the door I say, “Please my dear, walk on through.”

They respond, “Oh no thank you, that’s quite alright, I’ll go after you, you first please.”

Losing my shit, “What the fuck hell!??!!  DIE!!!”

Grab their face, close the door on their face, and rip out their skull with the spine attached.  Now breathe and feel better.

Rule 4) Stop saying stupid things like: “There’s freedom of speech but you should accept the responsibility for what you say.” Everyone knows this.  It’s like saying: “Racist idiot backwoods people know they’re bigots and hate faggots.” They do and they’re proud of it.  It’s like saying: “Social media sites make money off of advertising but instead of paying its users for this free information, they charge the users to compete with the advertisers.” Duh.  It’s like saying: “I’m a political minded person simply because I’ve regurgitated the opinion of the person sitting next me who I happen to want to sleep with.” It’s like saying: “I don’t really find something cool until my friends get that it’s cool or when they don’t put me down for thinking it’s cool.” Shit’s cool if you think it’s cool.  Shit’s racist because it is.  And you should care about yourself and your speech before worrying if the person next to you is speaking correctly about something you probably have no personal experience with.

Rule 5) Sit on a penis.  This is different from rule number 2 and this is not a sexual act.  Sitting on a penis proves that you are willing to take getting screwed for the sake of being realistic.  If you have the overwhelming urge to win always and cry your eyes out because you’re a sore loser, go sit on a penis.  If you are handsome, beautiful, charming, and irresistible and everyone has only followed your lead endlessly, put a penis under your butt and sit.  For once, let someone else win because you can never be the best always and you’re setting yourself up for a fall from grace.  If there are way too many “yes people” surrounding you with plasticness, and there seems to be no stopping you, stop yourself for one moment, take a break, and sit on a penis.

Rule 6) And finally, stop saying “you’re welcome” before being acknowledged for doing the one god dammed useless thing you just did.  But, please feel free to say you’re welcome after someone actually says “thank you.”

Thank you.